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Band 4.5

Many think that religion should be taught in schools while others think it should be avoided. Discuss both sides and give your opinion.

#religion #schools
Over the past decades, the significance of learning
religion
 has grown tremendously, concerning students'
parents
 and society about teaching children about it and
supplement
Wrong verb form
supplementing
show examples
into
Correct pronoun usage
it into
show examples
school
Add an article
the school
show examples
 curriculum. Many people accept
this
 opinion,
whereas
 others believe it should be restricted from
education
Add an article
the education
show examples
 system.
Firstly
, the major point of studying
religion
 is not a call to do extremist actions or
participating
Wrong verb form
participate
show examples
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
terrorism, it is to give crucial knowledge about the origins of different
religions
 and where they
have been
Wrong verb form
were
show examples
 established and why have human beings been created,
expaining
Correct your spelling
explaining
 in religious
termins
Correct your spelling
terms
terminus
. If
student
Fix the agreement mistake
students
show examples
 learn about his or her own
religion
, he or she will be mentally wise and respect others'
religions
.
Moreover
, students would understand the principles of
religions
Fix the agreement mistake
religion
show examples
 if they
are
Wrong verb form
were
show examples
 given with correct materials.
In addition
, in the
future
Add a comma
future,
show examples
while
 travelling around the world they will know more about countries' history and
Fix the agreement mistake
their
show examples
its
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 main
religions
.
On the other hand
, since there are terroristic actions in the world,
parents
concern
Add a missing verb
are concern
show examples
Change preposition
about theis
show examples
theis
Correct your spelling
their
childrens'
Change noun form
children's
show examples
 future and their choices. Most
parents
 associate
religion
to
Change preposition
with
show examples
 extremism as the members of terrorism hide usually under the
religion
, demonstrating
wrong
Change the article
the wrong
show examples
 side of
religion
 and
call
Wrong verb form
calling
show examples
 for collaboration.
That is
 why
parents
 refuse
supplement
Fix the infinitive
to supplement
show examples
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
religion
 into the syllabus.
To conclude
 and from my perspective, students should be taught in schools if and only if the teachers or mentors of
this
 type of subject are tested by special test proving their positive view and given them with correct materials
Submitted by adiletnursoltanov on

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task achievement
Be sure to provide more specific examples and evidence to support your arguments. While your essay addresses both sides of the argument and your position is clear, including specific examples can add more depth to your discussion.
coherence cohesion
Work on varying your sentence structures and connectors to improve the flow of your essay. Introducing more complex sentence structures and diverse linking words can enhance the coherence of your essay.
task achievement
You have done well to discuss both sides of the argument and provide a clear opinion in your conclusion. This is crucial for a balanced argumentative essay.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a good overall structure, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs discussing each viewpoint, and a conclusion that restates your opinion. This helps in making your argument coherent and easy to follow.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • religious education
  • multi-faith society
  • values and ethics
  • tolerance
  • diversity
  • religious freedom
  • secular education
  • curriculum
  • worldviews
  • interfaith dialogue
  • religious literacy
  • moral guidance
  • cultural understanding
  • critical thinking
  • respect
  • indoctrination
  • religious beliefs
  • secular state
  • religious extremism
  • academic subject
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