Some people think that the success of life is based on hard work and determination. Others, however, believe that there are more important factors, such as having money or a good appearance. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

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People
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believe being successful is essential for individuals. There is a known belief among some
people
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that hard
work
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and determination are the keys to
success
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in life.
However
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, another group of
people
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think that some extra factors like a wealthy and attractive looking play a role in being successful.
This
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essay will argue both sides, and
finally
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, I will explore my own
idea
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ideas
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. On the one hand, hard
work
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could be one of the successful ways that lead to achieving goals with patience and ambition. On
this
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side, it considers hard
work
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is
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to be
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a necessary factor for achieving
success
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.
For example
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, one of the brains and co-founders behind Google's
success
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is Larry Pages, was influenced by technology since he was a child and worked hard till, he launched Google, his famous words “Always deliver more than you expect”. The hard
work
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and determination could be the path of
success
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for everyone in
this
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world.
On the other hand
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, more
money
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and attractiveness target only the unconscious minds of
people
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. In the worldwide,
people
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with extra
money
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and good looking not target to develop counties economies or even knowledge.
For instance
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, there are many
people
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who could have extra
money
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and good looks, but they are not successful and have huge issues in life like failing in relationships, jobs, studying and even don having self-confidence.
Money
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and looking are not beneficial for everyone to be successful.
To sum up
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, hard
work
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is the main factor in achieving the objective and the key to
success
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.
However
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,
people
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cannot be successful by only having more
money
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and a good appearance. In my opinion,
people
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need to
work
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more and more to reach their goals and become more successful in life, extra
money
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and good looks could help sometimes but
people
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do not rely on these aspects.
Submitted by hsmkashi on

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Task Achievement
Be sure to delve deeper into the topic with specific examples to strengthen your arguments. Adding real-life examples can make your points more convincing and comprehensive.
Coherence & Cohesion
Work on creating clearer and more direct topic sentences for each paragraph. This will help to ensure that your main points are immediately clear to the reader.
General Advice
Try to vary your sentence structures and vocabulary to make your essay more engaging. Using a wider range of vocabulary and syntax can enhance the readability of your text.
Task Achievement
Ensure your conclusion sums up your arguments more distinctly. A strong, clear conclusion reinforces your points and gives your essay a satisfying sense of closure.
Task Achievement
Good job on covering both viewpoints as well as providing your own opinion on the topic. Your balanced approach is commendable.
Coherence & Cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are present and effectively bookend your essay, helping to provide a clear structure.
Coherence & Cohesion
You have made a good effort to support your main points with explanations, showing a connection between your ideas and the overall topic.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • perseverance
  • discipline
  • resilience
  • effort
  • tenacity
  • external factors
  • financial resources
  • favorable appearance
  • perceptions
  • advantages
  • intrinsic
  • extrinsic
  • sustainable
  • facilitating
  • undeniable
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