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Writing Samples
Band 6

the chart shows the results of a survey lookimg at which factors were important to 1,000 customers of a major travel agency in the UK when choosing a holiday destination in July 2016.

the chart shows the results of a survey lookimg at which factors were important to 1,000 customers of a major travel agency in the UK when choosing a holiday destination in July 2016.
The bar graph illustrates the percentage of tourist who
chouse
Correct your spelling
chose
show examples
 the major reason
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 their
hoilday
Correct your spelling
holiday
 in different age
groups
Use synonyms
 between 20 and 60 in
UK
Correct article usage
the UK
show examples
 in July 2016.
Overall
Linking Words
, One of the major factors was
weather
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the weather
show examples
 in the two
ago
Correct your spelling
age
show examples
groups
Use synonyms
.
In contrast
Linking Words
, those
groups
Use synonyms
 had
dramatic
Change the word
dramatically
show examples
 different
attitude
Fix the agreement mistake
attitudes
show examples
. On the one hand,
young
Correct article usage
the young
show examples
group
Use synonyms
 prefer reputation more than
old
Add an article
the old
an old
show examples
group
Use synonyms
.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
old
Fix the agreement mistake
the older
show examples
group
Use synonyms
tendency
Replace the word
tends to
show examples
 food.
Firstly
Linking Words
, one of the main
different
Replace the word
differences
show examples
of
Change preposition
between
show examples
 those
groups
Use synonyms
 was
that
Change the word
their
show examples
 reputation. The percentage of the young people who valued
this
Linking Words
 factor
more
Add a missing verb
is more
show examples
 than 60%
wile
Correct your spelling
while
show examples
 the old
group
Use synonyms
only
Add a missing verb
is only
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 20%, which
lower
Add a missing verb
is lower
show examples
 than the
youn
Correct your spelling
young
group
Use synonyms
 two times.
However
Linking Words
, more than 70% of old people
choused
Verb problem
chose
show examples
 food be their major cause of
chouse
Correct your spelling
choice
show examples
, compared to the young
group
Use synonyms
, only 45% wanted
this
Linking Words
 factor.
Sencandly
Correct your spelling
Secondly
, there were three points in the two
groups
Use synonyms
 both have more than 50% of people who
thinked
Correct your spelling
thought
show examples
 that were the major causes including
locial
Correct your spelling
local
social
 language, cose, and weather, which weather was the most
importen
Correct your spelling
important
 point of peoples' reason between 20 to 60 years, that it is more than 70%.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Basic structure: Change the fourth paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words groups, group with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Only 5 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the fourth paragraph.
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