IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Many countries have compulsory military service for young men after they leave school. It would be a good idea for all countries to adopt this system for men, and possibly for women too. Do you agree or disagree with this statement? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge and experience.

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It is noteworthy that numerous nations feature mandatory military
service
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 for youngsters after they graduate.
This
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 essay completely disagrees with
this
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 statement because it is a waste of time for young people and
also
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 because it is a financial burden for the
government
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. Several young citizens are obliged to enrol in military forces for 1 or 2
years
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 as they are forced by decision-makers in their countries. It is conspicuous that
this
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 phenomenon involves a huge waste of time for those young people. Indeed,the modern schooling curriculum is overwhelmingly long and students are in need of many
years
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 to graduate from renowned educational establishments. As a matter of
fact
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, young men and women spend at least a decade to be knowledgeable enough to have a job.
Hence
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,
instead
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 of enhancing their capabilities in practising their professions, they are forced to invest precious
years
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 in military
service
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. A prime example to illustrate the aforementioned situation is Mr Son, who is a famous soccer player who currently plays for the well-known football club Tottenham Hotspur in the UK. He was summoned by the Korean
government
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 to carry out his military
service
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, where he played for his team and used to earn millions of euros. The second reason why forcing youngsters to have military
service
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 wouldn't be relevant,is that it costs a huge amount of money for the
government
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. In
fact
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, the military engagement is not free of charge. Soldiers are taken over by the country as they are fed and housed for free
in addition
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 to the
fact
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 that they usually obtain a fair compensation.
Therefore
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, mandatory military
service
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,
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apply
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 ineluctably equals to millions of dollars spent by the
government
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 to ensure
this
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 project. A recent study published in "The Guardian" a famous English newspaper, showcased the
fact
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 that the South Korean
Government
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 spend millions of dollars each year for
this
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 mandatory military training. In conclusion, obligatory military
service
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 for young citizens, whether they are males or females, is certainly an irrelevant decision because they lose too much time in activities they are not in need of to excel in their current jobs and
also
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 because it is too expensive for nations to take in charge all those youngsters during 1 to 2
years
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task achievement
Your introduction clearly states your position, which is great. However, it could be slightly more specific about the reasons you will discuss, setting clearer expectations for the reader. This would improve the coherence of your argument.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure to use transition words or phrases to connect your ideas and paragraphs. This will help enhance the flow of your essay, making it easier for the reader to follow your argument.
task achievement
In the second paragraph, include a more detailed example or explanation of why the military service is a waste of time, as your current example focuses on a specific individual without fully elaborating on the broader implications for young people's careers.
task achievement
Consider providing a counterargument to strengthen your essay. Addressing potential benefits of military service before refuting them could enhance the depth of your argument.
task achievement
The essay has a clear stance on the topic and well-defined reasons for disagreement.
task achievement
Examples used in the essay, particularly the reference to Mr. Son, add a personal touch and relevance to your argument.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Compulsory
  • Military service
  • Conscription
  • Patriotism
  • National security
  • Social equality
  • Discipline
  • Physical fitness
  • Life skills
  • Job training
  • Infringement
  • Conscripts
  • Gender equality
  • Mandatory
  • Economy
  • Education system
  • Labor market
  • Civil service
  • Alternative forms
  • Balanced view
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