IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

In some countries, an increasing number of children are overweight or obese as a result of eating too much fast food. Banning fast food from school canteens is the best way to fight this problem. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#countries #children #food #school #canteens #fight
Nowadays,
due to
 bad eating habits, more and more children are fat than before. To solve
this
 problem, fast
food
 should be forbidden.
While
 I agree with the idea of banning
junk
food
 from canteens,
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 do believe that children need to
be limited
Wrong verb form
limit
show examples
 their intake of
junk
food
 outside
school
 at the same time. On the one hand, enforcing some strict regulations on selling fast
food
 in
school
 could benefit
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
teenagers. By limiting poor dishes, young people could be encouraged to eat more healthy
food
 and have a better shape.
For example
,
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 used to struggle with obesity in primary
school
, because of the habit of eating sandwiches.
However
, my
school
 forbade any type of fast
food
.
As a result
,
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 lost about 10 pounds.
Thus
, forbidding the expenditure on
junk
food
 could make youngers a good shape with better health.
On the other hand
, by not allowing
junk
food
 to be sold in
school
, students could tend to have more interest in
eat
Change the verb form
eating
show examples
 fast
food
 outside.
As a result
, the regulation would even exacerbate the situation.
For example
, an investigation was taken place related to
this
 topic in which 100 kids were examined at a particular educational institution. By
this
 banishment, more students gained more weight because of eating fast
food
 outside.
Therefore
, forbidding the sale of
junk
food
 by government authorities is not
a
Change the article
an
show examples
 effective strategy. In conclusion, some people argue that imposing rules to ban selling fast
food
 in schools is crucial for youngsters to keep healthy,
whereas
this
 can't completely stop them from eating fast
food
 since they can eat outside.
Submitted by 2631272260 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Structure
Ensure that your essay has a clear introduction, body, and conclusion. While you've structured your essay well, refining the introduction to more clearly state your position could enhance clarity.
Evidence
Provide more specific examples and evidence to support your arguments. While you've included an example from your own experience, incorporating additional data or studies could strengthen your points.
Language
Work on varying your sentence structure and vocabulary to avoid repetition and make your essay more engaging.
Grammar
Be mindful of grammatical errors and typos. Simple mistakes can be avoided through careful proofreading.
Argument
The essay successfully addresses both sides of the argument, demonstrating an understanding of the topic.
Example
Effective use of a personal example to illustrate your point adds a unique perspective to your argument.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • prevalence
  • obesity
  • correlation
  • consumption
  • unhealthy food options
  • promote
  • eating habits
  • educational programs
  • nutrition
  • effectiveness
  • resistance
  • logistical issues
  • enforcing
  • holistic approach
  • physical activity
  • parental guidance
  • safeguarding
What to do next:
Look at other essays: