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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are taught to cooperate rather than compete become more useful adults. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #sense #competition #children #adults
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Some
people
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 believe in encouraging
children
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 to compete with each other,
while
Linking Words
 others say that to train better
adults
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, cooperation would be preferred.
Although
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,
children
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 by participating in
competitions
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 get more motivated to achieve better results, cooperating makes
children
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 enjoy the route rather than the destination, and
therefore
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, they feel less stressed. On one hand, rivalry makes
children
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 get their tasks done more efficiently. These young
people
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 under the pressure of competing with their counterparts can perform much better, and to overcome the fear of defeat, they try to do their best to achieve their goals.
Therefore
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,
children
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 by engaging in
competitions
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 and rivaling contests will derive themselves toward more success.
For example
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, in China and other East Asian countries which are well established for their high number of successful
children
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, different kinds of
competitions
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 have been chronically held among adolescents.
However
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, I believe that forcing
people
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 from early ages to constantly compete, would have so many detrimental effects on their mental health
due to
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 increasing levels of stress.
On the other hand
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,
children
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 would become less stressed by collaborating with their partners and
also
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 would enjoy their moments. if young
people
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 are taught to put their efforts into helping their partners come up with good ideas and care about the way rather than the outcome, they will become better
adults
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.
This
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 attitude helps
children
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 to have healthier mental statuses and teaches them to live their best lives.
for example
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, India has the happiest young
people
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due to
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 not focusing on competition. I agree with
this
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 statement because
children
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 should not try to be like
adults
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 and should enjoy their lives. In conclusion,
while
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competitions
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 would make
children
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 more successful, by cooperating, these young
adults
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 would be both mentally and physically healthier because of experiencing stressors, much less than the competition-focused group.
Submitted by fati.p98n on

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task response
To enhance clarity, ensure that each paragraph has a distinct main idea and that examples provided are directly related to the argument you are making.
coherence and cohesion
For a higher score in coherence, consider varying your linking phrases more to smoothly transition between ideas and paragraphs.
task response
Including more specific examples or case studies could add depth to your arguments, making them more persuasive and comprehensive.
task response
Your introduction effectively sets up the discussion by presenting both views and your thesis statement.
coherence and cohesion
The structure of your essay, with clear paragraphs for each view and a conclusion, aids in the reader's understanding.
task response
You have successfully balanced the discussion with insights into both perspectives, demonstrating a broad understanding of the topic.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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