IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people think that in modern society individuals are becoming more dependent on each other, while others say that individuals are becoming more independent of each other. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

#people #society #individuals
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Some individuals believe that in modern society
people
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 are becoming dependent on each other
while
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others
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 believe that they are more independent of
others
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.
While
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 some
people
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 still rely on
others
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 and their opinions, I think
people
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 these days are more independent because of technology. On the one hand, some
people
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 still depend on
others
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 , especially in asking them about their opinions.
This
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 is because when they want to buy anything some
people
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 need to go shopping with their friends to ask them which clothes fit them.
Also
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, in social media individuals especially celebrities think about their
follower's
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followers'
show examples
 opinions of their posts and sometimes rely on them to make a certain look as cutting their hair or dressing in a different style.
For example
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, Salma Rachied is a Moroco actress who dyed her hair black after
people
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's comments on her red hair. Because of these reasons, some think that there are many
people
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 who still depend on other
people
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 to make certain decisions in their lives.
On the other hand
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, in the recent world, technology makes
people
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 more independent
on
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of
show examples
others
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.
This
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 is because there are many apps that help
people
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 to use them
instead
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 of asking
people
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 about things they want to know.
For instance
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, GPS is an app that helps us find the location of a certain place
instead
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 of asking
others
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about
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for
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 directions.
Therefore
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, I believe that the advancement of technology helps
people
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 to become independent of
others
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 these days. In conclusion, Despite some beliefs that individuals are becoming more dependent on
others
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 , I believe that technological advancement makes
people
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 less dependent on
others
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.
Submitted by sam  on

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task achievement
Try to develop your ideas further with more detailed examples and reasoning. This will help clarify your points and make your arguments more persuasive.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that your ideas flow smoothly from one to the next, possibly using more linking words or phrases to improve coherence.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are clear and effectively summarize your viewpoints.
task achievement
You have addressed both sides of the argument, which shows a balanced understanding of the topic.
task achievement
The essay makes good use of contemporary examples, like technology and social media, to support the points.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • interdependence
  • globalized economy
  • collaborative work environments
  • crowd-sourced
  • empowered
  • perception
  • availability
  • autonomy
  • reliance
  • shifted
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