IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people think that individuals today are more dependent on each other. Others believe people have become more independent. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#people #individuals
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In recent days,
people
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 have held different views about whether we become more dependent on others.
While
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,
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 some argue that
people
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 are more reliant on others than they used to.
This
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 essay believes that we are more independent than
people
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 in the past. On the one hand, there are some reasons that could be argued that we depend on each other now.
First,
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life is complex and difficult, especially, since the cost of living has increased dramatically. Young adults tend to require their parents for financial help when they buy a house because property prices have been higher in recent days.
Secondly
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,
people
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 seem to be more ambitious about a better life for their family.
Therefore
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, both parents have to work overtime and exhaustedly in order to provide for their children's careers.
On the other hand
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, I would agree with those who believe that we are more independent these days. Some
people
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 think that being dependent on others will waste their time.
Also
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, becoming independent may increase confidence in facing difficult situations and it helps
people
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 enhance decision-making skills.
For instance
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, many parents often encourage their children to study abroad
instead
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 of going to the local university because
this
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 experience gives them some information about the other environment. In conclusion,
while
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 there are some reasons to believe that modern
people
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 are reliant on each other, my own view is that we are more independent in recent years.
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While your essay's structure is quite clear, some points could be fleshed out further to provide a more thorough discussion. For example, you could expand on how parents encouraging children to study abroad makes them more independent and provide more concrete examples.
Ensure that each paragraph focuses on one central idea to avoid fragmentation of ideas. This will add greater coherence to your writing.
In your introduction, try combining the first two sentences for a smoother start. For example, 'People today hold differing views on whether individuals have become more dependent on each other or more independent.' This makes the introduction more concise.
In the conclusion, you may restate the main points concisely and make a stronger final statement supporting your opinion.
Your essay presents a balanced view by discussing both sides before giving your opinion. This demonstrates good task achievement.
The use of transitional phrases like 'On the one hand' and 'On the other hand' helps in maintaining coherence.
Your essay ends with a clear conclusion that ties back to your initial opinion, which adds to the overall coherence.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • interconnected
  • globalization
  • remote work
  • independence
  • dependency
  • specialization
  • professional services
  • social validation
  • individualism
  • self-reliance
  • collective action
  • sustainability
  • global community
  • navigating
  • complexity
  • environmental movement
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