IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

in many countries, people are now living longer than ever before in the past. Some say an aging population creates problems for governments. Others believe there are benefits to society having more elderly people. To what extent do the advantages of possessing an aging population outweigh the disadvantages?

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In many countries, individuals are experiencing longer lifespans than they used to.
Although
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 some people believe older generations can bring benefits to society, other’s perspective is that they create significant challenges for governments. in my opinion, these challenges outweigh any advantages. One of the prominent benefits older people bring to society is wisdom and experience. Their deep knowledge, acquired through decades of life experience, offers valuable insight for the younger generation.
For example
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, the elderly can serve as a mentor, sharing customs, cultural traditions, and stories from past generations. These all can preserve the cultural heritage of a country.
Additionally
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, Older generations who do not suffer from physical health often provide practical support,
such
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 as childcare, and doing household work.
On the other hand
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, an ageing population places significant strain on the healthcare system. As
public
Correct article usage
the public
show examples
get
Correct subject-verb agreement
gets
show examples
 older, they generally require more medical attention and services
due to
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 the increasing prevalence of some diseases like diabetes and heart attack.
This
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 leads to a higher demand for medical resources and healthcare professionals.
moreover
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, an ageing community imposes a financial burden on governments. An ageing population means more people are living longer, leading to an increase in the number of retirees who draw pensions.
As a result
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, the more population are retired, the more funds the government needs to pay. In conclusion, I take the view that
while
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 the older generation can maintain customs and other cultural heritage, they have a negative impact not only on the healthcare system but
also
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 on the financial system of society.

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Task Response
Engage in deeper analysis by providing more detailed explanations and a wider array of examples to support your argument. This will enhance the development of your ideas significantly.
Language Proficiency
Try to avoid minor grammatical errors and improve your usage of possessive forms and contractions to enhance clarity and accuracy.
Language Proficiency
Be cautious with spelling and avoid typographical errors (e.g., 'older’s perspective' should be 'others' perspective') to maintain the professionalism of your writing.
Coherence and Cohesion
Enhance coherence by connecting your ideas more clearly. Use a variety of linking words and phrases to show relationships between your ideas and paragraphs.
Structural Success
Good job structure, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion, which aids in the logical flow of your argument.
Effective Illustration
Effective use of examples to illustrate your points, contributing to a stronger argument.
Balanced Discussion
Your balanced discussion on the benefits and disadvantages regarding the ageing population is commendable; it showcases an ability to consider multiple viewpoints.

Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

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