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Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

Some people think that individuals today are more dependent on each other. Others believe people have become more independent. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #individuals
In today’s world, many
people
 think that humans are more dependent on others in the community.
However
, I am of the opinion that
people
 are becoming more self-reliant thanks to technological advancements in portable devices
such
 as laptops and smartphones. On the one hand, there are reasons to think that the younger generations nowadays place greater reliance on others, emotionally and behaviorally.
Firstly
, the ever-increasing competition in contemporary society places
people
 under great pressure, which makes them more susceptible to a plethora of mental issues
such
 as depression and anxiety.
Therefore
, many
people
 in the modern days, especially the youth, are leaning heavily on their acquaintances for emotional support and encouragement in order to
bombard
Verb problem
overcome
show examples
 these rampant problems.
Secondly
,
due to
 the widespread use of smartphones, the majority of youngsters are exposed to constant connections via social media and other communication platforms.
As a result
, how netizens perceive and interpret the behaviours and lifestyles that they encounter in the virtual world can have a profound impact on their way of life.
On the other hand
, I believe that
people
 are becoming more independent, especially in work and study. Before the era of
scientific
Correct article usage
the scientific
show examples
 and technological revolution, going to school and receiving lectures from teachers seemed to be the only plausible way to study.
However
, the internet and searching tools have enabled a life-changing learning experience when now, internet users can do research and accumulate knowledge by themselves, which was considered infeasible in the past.
Additionally
, the booming of meeting conference platforms,
such
 as Zoom and Google Meet, has led to a transformation in the interaction between
people
 in school and workplace settings. To be more specific,
instead
 of gathering in a brick-and-mortar building to work or study, distant learning and distant working have burgeoned into a norm, which means that
people
 can stay alone and complete their professional tasks at the same time. All in all,
although
 I am conscious of the emotional reliance that modern
people
 place on each other, I believe that we are becoming more self-sufficient as a myriad of tasks can be done without external help.
Submitted by zky1705202 on

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Task Achievement
Refine the use of examples to be more specific and directly relevant to the points being made. This will enhance the argument's clarity and impact.
Coherence & Cohesion
Consider varying sentence structures and linking words to enhance the flow and readability of your essay.
Task Achievement
Work on developing a more nuanced conclusion that not only restates your position but also synthesizes the discussion points in a compelling way.
Coherence & Cohesion
Your introduction sets up the discussion effectively by presenting both viewpoints and stating your opinion clearly.
Coherence & Cohesion
You have a good structure with clear paragraphs that each address a distinct aspect of the argument, aiding coherence.
Task Achievement
The essay successfully discusses both sides of the argument before stating your own opinion, fulfilling the task requirements.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • interconnected
  • globalization
  • remote work
  • independence
  • dependency
  • specialization
  • professional services
  • social validation
  • individualism
  • self-reliance
  • collective action
  • sustainability
  • global community
  • navigating
  • complexity
  • environmental movement
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