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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people think that individuals today are more dependent on each other . Others believe people have more independent. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

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Whether many individuals suppose that humans nowadays are more autonomous than they are, another group are
on the contrary
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 view. Even though several
women
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 who are housewives still depend on their husbands' salaries, I believe that
people
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 become much more independent than before due to many
youngsters
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 can earn lots of money when they are pretty young. It is undeniable in many families, that most
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
women
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 still completely rely on their husbands' incomes. In fact , there is a belief that the tasks of
women
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 are marrying, giving birth ,and becoming good housewives so the expenditure is completely counted on males who are breadwinners.
Moreover
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, females
also
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 take their children as an excuse to neglect working, they say that to be good mothers they have to stay at home and look after the children.
For example
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 , each year, many journals in Vietnam
as well as
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 in the world report that
although
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 various forms of earning a living are appropriate with mothers,
however
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, many females still depend on their finances and it can lead to many negative effects on
women
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's lives
as well as
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 their mental health.
On the other hand
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 , many teenagers and
youngsters
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 have the ability to earn a living and have independence.
Due to
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 the fact that many parents ensure their children's education so many
people
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 are independent and tend to earn a living by themselves when they are young . Nowadays, there are a lot of
jobs
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 not just suitable for adults , some pages on the Internet advertise various
jobs
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 special for young
people
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 of any age, so
youngsters
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 easily access many
jobs
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 at the same time ,
in particular
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 international occupations, they can earn a lot from those companies. Take Vietnamese
youngsters
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 as an example, many content creators not only live independently, but they
also
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 provide for their parents. In conclusion, some individuals say that
people
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 nowadays are more reliable than they have in the past ,
nevertheless
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, others argue
this
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 opinion. Though several wives depend on their husbands , I think that
youngsters
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 become independent of their parents because of additional
jobs
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.

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Introduction Improvement
Work on making your introduction more clear and engaging. Clearly stating the topic and your thesis at the beginning would make your argument stronger.
Sentence Structure Variety
Consider varying your sentence structures to improve readability and engagement. Using a mix of complex and simple sentences can enhance the flow of your essay.
Argument Clarity
Ensure a clear distinction between your views and counter-views. Using phrases like 'On one hand' and 'On the other hand' helps, but be sure to make your stance unmistakable throughout.
Conclusion Enhancement
Include a brief summary of your main points in the conclusion to reinforce your argument and give it a strong closing.
Example Usage
Effective use of examples to support your points. This strengthens your argument and makes it more convincing.
Task Response
Good attempt at discussing both views and providing your own opinion, which meets the task requirement.
Paragraph Structure
The logical structure of paragraphs is fairly consistent, with a clear topic sentence guiding most of them.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • interconnected
  • globalization
  • remote work
  • independence
  • dependency
  • specialization
  • professional services
  • social validation
  • individualism
  • self-reliance
  • collective action
  • sustainability
  • global community
  • navigating
  • complexity
  • environmental movement
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