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Writing Samples
Band 7

Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are taught to cooperate rather than compete become more useful adults. Discuss both views and give your own opinio

#people #sense #competition #children #adults #opinio
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Parents always want the best for their
children
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, be it for their basic needs, education or even their character development. Some people argue that
children
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 should be encouraged to compete in schools
while
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 others believe it is more important to teach
children
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 how to cooperate with their friends.
Although
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 there are some benefits of encouraging
children
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 to compete, I believe it is more practical for
children
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 to learn how to work in a team. It is undeniable that there are some advantages of growing a sense of competitiveness in a
child
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,
for example
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, it gives them a large amount of motivation, resilience and determination because they will need to focus to win against their rivals.
Furthermore
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, if the
children
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 win, they will feel proud and it will establish a strong confidence feeling within themselves.
However
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, there is a possibility that when the
child
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 loses, he/she cannot accept the failure and
consequently
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 they may experience a mental breakdown.
Therefore
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, I believe there is still a downside to encouraging
children
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 to compete at school.
On the other hand
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, cooperation provides a feeling of security and trust between
children
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 and their friends. It
also
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 develops the ability of a
child
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 to present their views and discuss other people's opinions, which is something
that is
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 very critical for the later adulthood stage of that
child
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's life.
Thus
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, I believe it is very crucial to teach
children
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 how to work in a team and have discussions with other people,
instead
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 of competing with them. In conclusion,
although
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 I see some advantages in teaching a competitive mindset to
children
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, I believe it is more crucial to teach the importance of teamwork to
children
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 as when they grow up they will face many situations that need cooperation skills rather than competition skills.
Submitted by sormindevina on

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task achievement
Try to incorporate specific examples that vividly support your arguments. While you've noted the advantages and disadvantages of competition and the benefits of cooperation, integrating real-world examples or personal anecdotes could strengthen your points.
coherence cohesion
Ensure variety in your sentence structures to improve readability and maintain the reader's interest. Mixing complex sentences with simpler ones can show linguistic flexibility, which enhances your writing.
logical structure
You've structured your essay logically, providing a clear introduction, balanced discussion on both views, and a well-stated personal opinion in the conclusion.
introduction conclusion present
Your introduction and conclusion are clear and to the point, effectively framing the essay and summarizing your stance, which is excellent.
clear comprehensive ideas
You have successfully presented a balanced view by discussing both sides of the argument, which demonstrates a comprehensive understanding of the topic.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • sense of competition
  • encouraged
  • cooperation
  • useful adults
  • personal growth
  • ambition
  • real-world scenarios
  • stress
  • anxiety
  • winning at all costs
  • teamwork
  • shared goals
  • workplace
  • collaboration
  • communication
  • individual accountability
  • initiative
  • balanced approach
  • overall development
  • personality
  • individual needs
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