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Writing Samples
Band 7

🔶Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

#🔶some #children #hours #smartphones #case #development
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These days, it has been said that some
children
 have spent their time on
smartphones
 for hours every day. In
this
 essay, the reasons and both positive and negative
effects
 will be outlined before reaching a conclusion.
To begin
 with, there are several causes that make the new generations spend their time on mobile devices.
Firstly
, they have a lot of attractive entertainment and recreation.
For example
, these new state-of-the-art devices contain games, movies, social media, books, novels and so forth, which can grab
children
's attention easily.
Secondly
,
due to
 globalisation, youngsters might have met and made new foreign friends.
Smartphones
 can ease them to communicate and keep in touch with those individuals. On the one hand,
smartphones
 provide a benefit to youngsters. They can study and obtain knowledge,
for instance
,
watching
Change preposition
by watching
show examples
 movies or communicating with their foreign friends to develop their English language proficiency.
Besides
, using social media, which contains a piece of news, helps them to stay updated.
On the other hand
, it is true that youths spend a lot of their time on their phones.
This
 matter will lead them to get a bad habit and affect their health. Despite going outside and playing with their friends, they tend to lie on their beds, which in turn, cause bad
effects
 on
children
's bodies
such
 as obesity and bad eyesight. All in all, several
children
 in modern days are addicted to their
smartphones
due to
its
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 attraction. In my opinion, the positive
effects
 of using the devices outweigh the negative
effects
.
However
,
instead
 of letting them stay on their phones for hours, parents need to encourage them to do something else in order to keep their offspring healthy.
Submitted by nnatthinee on

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task achievement
Try focusing on the development of each paragraph with more elaborate examples and explanations. This can enhance clarity and add depth to your arguments.
coherence and cohesion
Work on varying your sentence structures to improve fluidity and readability.
coherence and cohesion
Consider integrating more transitional phrases to strengthen the linkage between your ideas and paragraphs.
task achievement
You have effectively outlined both sides of the argument regarding the impact of smartphones on children, which demonstrates a well-rounded understanding of the topic.
coherence and cohesion
You provided a solid structure with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. This helps in delivering your message effectively.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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