IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7.5

It can be difficult for small local shops to compete with large supermarkets and with on-line shops. How does this affect local communities? What could be done to improve this situation?

#shops #supermarkets #affect #communities #situation
In the 21st century, online marketing has developed in
such
 a way that it can serve people with almost every accessory they need in day-to-day life.
However
, large retail
shops
 are earning better revenues, some local stores cannot compete with them. Because of
this
, villagers will find it difficult to sell their products as individuals try to purchase from online platforms. To overcome these issues, modern technology should be introduced to rural communities by the government. There is no doubt that it has been a difficult challenge for villagers to compete with big companies which have special workers to handle online marketing.
Although
 products in the local
shops
 often have good quality, insufficient promotions have not led to their earning decreasing.
As a result
 of
this
 many stores in the countryside are being closed now.
Hence
, people who live near will face a lot of difficulties in finding their commodities. Finding answers to
this
 burden problem is crucial to serve the community equally whether they live in cities or villages. The government can provide technical support for local outlets persuading them to adopt current trends in their business fields.
For instance
, financial support can be given to people to purchase electronic items namely laptops to incorporate modern practices when it comes to promotions.
Thus
, local outlets will gain the strength to compete with popular supermarkets. In conclusion,
due to
 the recently opened online
shops
 by famous companies, small
shops
 tend to give up their efforts.
Therefore
, authorities need to help these innocent citizens by providing sufficient donations to enter into the competent business field.
Submitted by wm.asanka.sandaruwan on

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task achievement
Consider enhancing the specificity of your examples to fortify your argument. The mention of how modern technology and governmental support could aid is a strong point, yet more concrete examples or success stories could further persuade the reader.
coherence cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, try to link ideas more seamlessly from one paragraph to the next. Using transitional phrases can bridge the gap between discussing the problem and introducing potential solutions.
task achievement
Your essay effectively addresses the topic, providing a clear viewpoint and relevant suggestions for improving the situation of local shops.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are clear and present, effectively framing your argument.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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