More children in developed countries are becoming overweight. This is a serious problem for wealthy countries. Discuss some causes and effects of this problem. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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Nowadays, the number of

children

Use synonyms

who suffer from obesity is increasing, particularly in rich nations. There are several reasons that lead to

this

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issue, and

this

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phenomenon will have a negative impact on

children

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's health. The forthcoming essay shall discuss the causes and effects of

this

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problem. There are many factors which are involved in

children

Use synonyms

overweight.

Firstly

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children

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, who are living in developed countries, are surely surrounded by the latest technology that forces them to become less mobile. As they are sitting in front of the television and playing video games for hours.

Secondly

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, their nutrition routines are so unhealthy, that the majority of youngsters consume lots of hidden saturated fat and sugar in their meals and snacks.

For example

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, in the past

children

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ate fruits and vegetables for their evening snacks,

however

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, today they tend to drink artificial orange juice

instead

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of orange. The

children

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becoming obese would have

the

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show examples

number of impacts on their lives.

To begin

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with, being excessively fat as a child might affect

him

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his

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or her heart function,

also

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diseases

such

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as high blood pressure and cholesterol might become an issue from early childhood. Apart from physical disorders, obesity will have a negative impact on their mental health and might lead them to isolation and depression. In conclusion,

due to

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the excessive access to modern gadgets in the wealthy nations, the

children

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's activities decrease noticeably.

This

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leads them to face lots of physical and mental problems. In my opinion, their parents should address some solution in order to solve the problem.

Negar_seddighMon May 13 2024

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Language Use

To further improve, try integrating a wider range of vocabulary and more complex sentence structures. This not only enhances the readability of your essay but also demonstrates your language proficiency.

Task Achievement

Use more specific examples to support your arguments. While you mentioned the change in snack preferences and the impact of technology, elaborating on these examples or providing data can make your argument stronger and more convincing.

Coherence and Cohesion

Consider organizing your ideas more clearly by dedicating separate paragraphs to each cause and effect. This structural approach will improve the coherence of your essay and make it easier for readers to follow your arguments.

Structure

Your introduction and conclusion were both effectively written, providing a clear overview and summary of your main points. This is crucial for engaging the reader and effectively wrapping up your arguments.

Content

You've tackled both sides of the issue by discussing the causes and effects of children becoming overweight in developed countries. Addressing the topic from multiple angles enriches your essay.

10
Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
1
Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2
Grammar mistakes
detected issues

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Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 7.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 7.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 6.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

4 paragraphs

257 words

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More children in developed countries are becoming overweight. This is a serious problem for wealthy countries. Discuss some causes and effects of this problem. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

In some countries, secondary schools aim to provide a general education across a range of subjects. In others, children focus on a narrow range of subjects related to a particular career. Which do you think is appropriate in today’s world?

Some people believe that it is important to spend money on family celebrations such as weddings and birthdays, while others think this is a waste of money. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

In some parts of the world, people have become more focused on themselves than their communities. What problems can this situation cause and how can they be solved?

some people say that young people are much more influenced by their friend than their parents or teachers. Do you agree or disagree?