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Writing Samples
Band 6

some children spend hours every day on their smartohones. why is this the case? do you think this is a positive or negative development?

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In contemporary societies, offspring are more appealing to electronic gadgets. There are several main reasons for
this
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 phenomenon and from my point of view, it will bring about so many downsides. There are central reasons why children squander
time
Use synonyms
 on smartphones on a daily basis. To start with, nowadays, parents have to work
due to
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 economic issues,
hence
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, they are not able to allocate sufficient
time
Use synonyms
 to their offspring. To clarify, children tend to stay at home and get amused by electronic stuff rather than go out and play in nature with their parents.
In addition
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, after the covid, almost all the classes around the world have been held online.
That is
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 to say, all the students had to have a
Pc
Correct your spelling
PC
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, tablet, or smartphone in order to be involved in the classes.
This
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 made offspring more interested in learning cutting-edge technology compared to studying their school lessons. By way of example, if a student had had his own electronic equipment, he would have installed so
many
Correct quantifier usage
much
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 social media on that, which leads to a lack of concentration on lessons. younsters will confront so many disadvantages by wasting hours on electronic gadgets. First and foremost, a sedentary lifestyle results in not only physical illness
,
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apply
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 but
also
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 mental damage. An increase in screen
time
Use synonyms
instead
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 of doing physical activities, may develop diseases
such
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 as obesity or eye weakness,
as well as
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 mental problems. Take virtual reality (VR) as an example. a child who dedicates most of his minutes
playing
Change preposition
to playing
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 VR may soon develop mental issues.
Secondly
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,
although
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 electronic apparatuses make youngsters familiar with state-of-the-art technology, they can draw their attention away from school assignments.
This
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 will lead to educational failure. In a nutshell,
due to
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 the aforementioned,
time
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 is not allocated to offspring for physical activities and the schooling system has been altered to online teaching.
Thus
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, these are the integral causes of appealing electronic amenities.
Moreover
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, owing to negative effects
such
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 as obesity, mental problems, and educational regress, I am totally convinced that the cons clearly outweigh the pros.

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coherence cohesion
Try to avoid repeating words or phrases. Consider using synonyms or restructuring sentences for variety.
task achievement
Elaborate more on examples to deeply illustrate your arguments. Providing specific, detailed examples strengthens your essay's persuasiveness.
coherence cohesion
Be cautious with spelling and grammar to maintain clarity throughout your essay. Minor errors can occasionally distract from your overall message.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion that succinctly wraps up your argument.
coherence cohesion
You effectively use transition phrases to guide the reader through your points, maintaining a smooth flow of ideas.
task achievement
Your essay addresses the task directly, presenting clear opinions and reasoning behind your viewpoints.
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