It is important for all the cities and towns to have large outdoor public spaces, such as parks or squares. Do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
It is controversial whether spacious public spaces for exercise are needed in all cities and towns. I partially agree with
this
, for promoting public health
regardless of the fact that they cause some environmental damage in the countryside.
On one hand, large outdoor spaces should be created in every place to confront the deteriorating health
of individuals in current societies. In other words
, their sedentary lifestyles encouraged by the advancement of technology have made more people suffer from various health
issues. For instance
, the rate of obesity among children has risen dramatically over the past few decades. In Japan, 1 out of 5 children was diagnosed as overweight on average in 2023, in contrast
to their obesity rate accounting for merely 1/10 in 2013. Furthermore
, this
can raise other health
problems such
as diabetes and heart attacks due to
the rising level of cholesterol in their blood. Therefore
, governments should introduce more spacious parks and squares in all places of their residence so they can enjoy various activities including walking and sports, which suit their individual interests and demands.
On the other hand
, the establishment of such
outdoor places should be prevented in some regions because they can have detrimental effects on nature. Indeed, more trees destroyed for the construction of large playgrounds can lead to a severe shortage of natural resources in future. This
is proved by the fact that Kagoshima, one of the rural areas in Japan, has already lost 30% of its total forests as its campaign to build more parks started in 2011. As a result
, such
an incredible loss of plants will not only accelerate global warming but also
extinct animals to lose their habitats. Thus
, large outdoor spaces should not be built in some regions with an abundance of wildlife to maintain their peace and prosperity.
In conclusion, I somewhat agree that spacious parks and squares should be introduced in every town and city because they can encourage individuals to take advantage of them for exercise and reduce their risks of getting serious diseases. Nevertheless
, the plan should be conducted after a careful examination of their negative effects on the environment to protect valuable natural supplies and wild creatures.Submitted by mizuho on
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task response
To improve further, try to refine the introduction by briefly stating both sides of the argument before expressing your partial agreement. This sets a balanced tone right from the start.
task response
In the conclusion, ensure to restate the main points more concisely to strengthen your final argument. This wraps up your essay neatly.
coherence cohesion
Work on smoother transitions between paragraphs and ideas to make the flow of your essay even more natural and coherent.
coherence cohesion
Some sentences could benefit from more varied sentence structures to enhance readability and engage the reader more effectively.
task response
The essay provides a well-rounded argument with clear reasons and supporting examples in both body paragraphs.
coherence cohesion
The essay includes a logical structure, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs discussing each viewpoint, and a conclusion.
task response
Good use of specific and relevant examples to support the main points, which strengthens your argument.
coherence cohesion
The essay maintains a formal and academic tone throughout, appropriate for IELTS writing tasks.