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Writing Samples
Band 8

In many countries, people are now living longer than ever before. Some people say an ageing population creates problems for governments. Other people think there are benefits if society has more elderly people. To what extent do the advantages of having an ageing population outweigh the disadvantages?

#countries #people #population #governments #society
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It is undeniable that many countries are facing an ageing society caused by the increase in the number of elderly
people
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.
This
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 is a result of the medical industry's improvement and advanced technology development. Some
people
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 consider the ageing population as a problem for the governments.
However
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, there is an argument which thinks about benefits for the country if the number of elderly
people
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 increases.
This
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 essay will elaborate on situations in which the pros of having an ageing society are more important than the cons.
First,
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it would be an opportunity for
health
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 and wellness businesses. The elderly
people
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 are their main targeted customers because these
people
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 always pay attention to their
health
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.
In addition
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, they have sufficient money to spend on those services as well.
For example
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, there are a lot of massage shops which mainly provide services for senior citizens. If they want to expand their businesses, these customers should be prioritised as the top targeted clients.
Second,
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some of the elderly
people
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 still have good
health
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 and can work.
Furthermore
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, these
people
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 have a lot of experience and are ready to work. It would be better to hire them
instead
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 of some first jobbers who need the training.
Moreover
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, the turnover rates of these employees are lower than the young staff.
This
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 is a good chance for the company to save on training and recruitment costs.
To sum up
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, having an ageing society doesn’t cause only negative impacts. There are benefits
such
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 as the opportunities for
health
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 and wellness businesses and the cost savings from hiring elderly
people
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. Those advantages should not be taken for granted.
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coherence cohesion
To further enhance your essay, consider adding more varied sentence structures to exhibit greater complexity in your writing. This could involve integrating a wider range of conjunctions and transitional phrases to link ideas more fluidly between paragraphs and sentences.
task achievement
When presenting examples and arguments, aiming for a deeper analysis or exploring counterarguments could introduce a more nuanced understanding of the topic, further elevating your essay's depth.
coherence cohesion
The essay provides clear and concise points that directly relate to the advantages of an ageing population, offering a focused discussion on the topic.
coherence cohesion
You've done well in creating a logical structure with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion, making your essay easy to follow for the reader.
task achievement
Your essay successfully addresses the given task, presenting a balanced view before concluding which aspects are considered more significant. This demonstrates a comprehensive understanding and thorough response to the task requirements.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • ageing population
  • benefits
  • disadvantages
  • advantages
  • experience
  • knowledge
  • contribution
  • economy
  • society
  • healthcare
  • youth employment
  • community
  • intergenerational support
  • volunteerism
  • mentorship
  • increased demand
  • pension costs
  • social welfare systems
  • workforce
  • productivity
  • intergenerational conflict
  • technological adaptability
  • dependency
  • effective
  • skill development
  • employment opportunities
  • intergenerational solidarity
  • communication
  • lifelong learning
  • technological literacy
  • age-friendly
  • social policies
  • infrastructure
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