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Writing Samples
Band 6

The growing number number of over wight people is putting strain on the health care system in an effort to deal with the health issues involved. Some people think that the best way to deal with this problem is to introduce more physical education lessons in the school curriculum. TO what extent do you agree or disagree?

#wight #people #strain #health #care #system #effort #education #lessons #school #curriculum
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Nowadays, the percentage of fat people has dramatically increased and the health care system is putting a
lot
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 of effort
to solve
Change preposition
into solving
show examples
this
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 problem;
however
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, some people believe that adding a new
subject
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 that encourages
students
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 to exercise is an ideal solution,
while
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 others object to that. In
this
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 report, I will go through both sides of
this
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 conflict, and
then
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 allow me
to conclude
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 my position.
To begin
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 with, adding a new
subject
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 is strategic, effective, useful, and beneficial;
as a consequence
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, a
lot
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 of people support
this
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 idea. For
further
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 explanation,
students
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 do not have enough time to
exrecise
Correct your spelling
exercise
 at home, so adding
such
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 a
subject
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 will help them to be healthier.
In other words
Linking Words
, adding
this
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subject
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 will help
students
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 to save
their
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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time, gain marks by being healthy, and increase their awareness.
Moreover
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, a
lot
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 of posts on social media show that many
students
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 want to start a healthy lifestyle but they do not have either material or time to do that;
therefore
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,
this
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 will help them to
fulfill
Change the spelling
fulfil
show examples
 their goal without any concern. Even though the points mentioned above are influencing, there are reverse points that hold equal influence. To illustrate that,
this
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 solution is difficult, money-consuming, time-consuming, and useless.
In other words
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, teachers acknowledge that learners
do
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
only pay attention to scientific subjects because they have a
lot
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 of projects and exams.
Also
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, many schools admit that they do not have pieces of equipment, coaches, and areas, so
students
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 will not be able to exercise practically, indeed, they will just study theoretically which will not lead to any benefit. In conclusion,
although
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 adding
this
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subject
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 is beneficial, helpful, and entertaining, there are many demerits of adding it;
as a result
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, I completely disagree with the statement mentioned above.
Submitted by haneenalnetaif on

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task achievement
Try to directly address the essay prompt in your introduction. Clearly stating whether you agree or disagree from the beginning helps in establishing a strong position.
task achievement
Offer more specific examples to support your arguments. Specific examples will make your arguments more convincing and demonstrate a deeper understanding of the topic.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure your essay flows smoothly by connecting ideas more clearly between paragraphs. Transition phrases can help make these connections.
coherence and cohesion
Proofread your essay to correct minor grammatical errors and typos. This will not only improve your coherence but also make your essay appear more polished.
task achievement
You've done a great job providing a balanced view by presenting both sides of the argument.
task achievement
Your conclusion effectively summaries your position, even if it could benefit from a stronger stance from the beginning.
coherence and cohesion
The structure of your essay, with an introduction, body paragraphs for each viewpoint, and a conclusion, is well-organized.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • obesity rate
  • healthcare system
  • physical education
  • school curriculum
  • instilling healthy habits
  • comprehensive health education
  • balanced diets
  • long-term benefits
  • mental health
  • lifestyle choices
  • parental involvement
  • community organizations
  • environmental changes
  • government policies
  • taxes on sugary drinks
  • subsidies for healthy foods
  • public spaces
  • food advertising
  • health assessments
  • early identification
  • timely interventions
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