Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think it is a positive or a negative development?
Currently, technological devices have become widely popular in societies, especially among youngsters. Many people believe that there are many benefits because of their functions and utilities,
however
, reliance on technology is a threat to our growth as human beings. For
this
reason, I staunchly believe that cutting-edge technologies should be carefully used, and their widespread implementation has many drawbacks. In this
essay, I will explain my reasons in detail.
To start with, it is clear that
since computers and other types of gadgets have been created, people spend most of their time on social media. Then
, not only social skills but also
interpersonal communication has decreased dramatically. This
means that humankind has replaced their traditional activities, such
as sharing high-quality time with their families, reading, etc. Therefore
, people tend to be more isolated leading to more prevalence of mental diseases, exemplified by depression, anxiety, bipolarity, etc.
Additionally
, the addiction rate to smartphones has exponentially increased, and the population uses those devices during the whole day. As a consequence
of this
, sedentarism is becoming more frequent as well as
the prevalence of chronic diseases with higher cardiovascular risk. For example
, The American Heart Association recently published that the obesity proportion has climbed by 30% due to
a lack of physical activity. Besides
, sleep hygiene is not employed because phones are used almost overnight.
To sum up
, technology should be restricted in communities, mainly in children and adolescents owing to their addiction risk. Besides
, ancient costumes and social behaviours should not be replaced by the usage of innovative technologies.Submitted by luciaagudelomotta on
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
introduction conclusion present
Your essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, your conclusion could be stronger by summarizing the main points more effectively instead of just restating the last point made.
logical structure
Ensure each paragraph focuses on one main idea. While your points are relevant, they would benefit from further elaboration and clearer transitions between ideas to improve the overall coherence.
supported main points
You have adequately supported your points with relevant examples, but adding more varied examples and expanding on them could strengthen your argument.
clear comprehensive ideas
Pay attention to minor grammatical inaccuracies and word choice. For example, 'owes to their addiction risk' should be 'owing to their addiction risk,' and 'sedentarism' is more commonly referred to as 'sedentary lifestyle.'
introduction conclusion present
You effectively introduced the topic and presented a clear stance.
relevant specific examples
You provided relevant examples to support your arguments, such as the American Heart Association statistics on obesity.
logical structure
Your essay is logically organized, with well-structured paragraphs that follow a coherent line of reasoning.
Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+
Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!