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Writing Samples
Band 7

In many countries today, the eating habits and lifestyle of children are diffrent from those of previous generations. Some people say this has had a negative effect on their health. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

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It is thought by some people that eating habits and
lifestyle
 in these modern days bring the negative effects on
children
's
health
 more than in the past. In
this
 essay,
this
 matter will be discussed before reaching my opinion.
To begin
 with, it is true that youngsters'
health
 worsens
due to
 their eating habits and
lifestyle
.
Firstly
, there are a lot of new fast food shops which provide a variety of unhealthy diets for
children
.
For example
, new junk food restaurants sell hamburgers, fries and desserts that contain numerous bad fats and high amounts of sugar. These mentioned affect the
health
 of
children
 directly
as well as
 causing obesity and diabetes.
Secondly
, the emergence of technology leads to the inactive
lifestyle
 of the younger generations. They spend most of the day focusing on electronic devices
such
 as computers or smartphones because they have
many
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
attractive content.
Thus
, sitting or lying on their beds or couches all day makes them become out of shape and weaker.
Additionally
,
although
 youths' behaviours have changed from the past, they still offer advantages. At
first,
there are a lot of new healthy restaurants settling in around cities as it is the new trend in modern society. Many of them serve only healthy food or salads
such
 as Sizzlers.
Hence
, youngsters are now spoilt for choices to choose which shops they would go to and enjoy.
Next,
the use of technology
also
 helps
children
 to socialise and interact with their friends easily. They can invite their friends to do some exciting activities together,
for instance
, climbing which will make them become stronger and stay fit,
besides
, maintaining their mental
health
. All in all, even if some people think the new eating habits and
lifestyle
Fix the agreement mistake
lifestyles
show examples
 offer negative effects on the younger generations. I strongly disagree with
this
 matter, it depends on kids' decision whether they need to stay healthy or keep themselves fit or not.
Submitted by nnatthinee on

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introduction
The introduction could be more concise and clearly state your stance. Instead of saying 'this matter will be discussed before reaching my opinion,' directly state your viewpoint to give the reader a clear idea of your position.
coherence
Enhance your transitions between paragraphs. For example, the transition between the first and second body paragraphs could be smoother. You might use phrases like 'On the other hand' to indicate a contrast.
examples
Provide more specific examples to illustrate your points more vividly. While you mentioned 'new healthy restaurants settling in around cities,' giving a specific example of one of these restaurants would strengthen your argument.
arguments
The main points are clearly stated and supported with reasonable arguments.
structure
The essay structure is logical, with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
conclusion
The conclusion effectively summarizes the essay and restates your viewpoint.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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