Parents should encourage children to spend less time studying and more time doing physical activities. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

There is a belief that offspring should follow a daily routine wherein physical activities are allocated a larger proportion of time than they currently are
while
studying a smaller proportion. In my opinion,
this
idea is partly reasonable. It is true that some offspring strive so hard for their studies that they tend to neglect their own health.
As a result
, these offspring may gradually fall into some detrimental habits, including improper sleep patterns, unbalanced diets, and insufficient workouts. In fact, a study conducted by Stanford University found that 56% of over 4,000 high school students in California perceived homework as a considerable source of pressure.
Therefore
, as mentioned earlier, there are adults who say offspring should be advised to reduce studying hours and increase physical training time. The latter is believed to help them release energy, gain flexibility, and improve fitness
whereas
Change preposition
while
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also
assisting their mental development.
However
, not all offspring become sedentary because they spend too much time studying. Rather, the problem, unfortunately, is more likely than often assumed to result from social media or game addiction. In these circumstances, the above-mentioned solution proves inadequate and even counterintuitive. From my perspective, these offspring need not only encouragement ,
Correct word choice
but nevertheless
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nevertheless
Rephrase
also
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, practical aids in maintaining academic performances,
furthermore
, redirecting leisure habits (to reading books,
for example
) and adopting a more active lifestyle (by doing physical activities, as mentioned). In conclusion, some children truly struggle with intense academic schedules and,
therefore
, need parental support to shorten study sessions and lengthen workouts. Meanwhile, others seem to become inactive
due to
other reasons.
Hence
, their problems need other corrective approaches than cutting down study durations.
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task achievement
Try to make a more explicit connection to the prompt in your introduction to clearly state how you will address the given task.
coherence cohesion
Avoid overusing complex sentence structures as some of them may make your points harder to grasp.
task achievement
You provided a balanced view by recognizing both positive aspects and limitations in the argument, showing a well-rounded understanding of the topic.
coherence cohesion
Your logical structure is clear, making it easy to follow your argument.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Physical activity
  • Development
  • Concentration
  • Obesity
  • Burnout
  • Sedentary lifestyle
  • Healthy lifestyle
  • Intellectual development
  • Structured activities
  • Teamwork
  • Leadership
  • Sedentary behavior
  • Tech addiction
  • Role models
  • Family bonds
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