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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Children’s behavior in schools is getting worse than before. Explain the causes and effects of this problem and suggest some possible solutions.

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Nowadays,
children
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’s manners at
school
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 are worse than past. I believe exploring the causes of
this
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 problem can assist in finding suitable solutions to resolve it. Increasing an only-child trend could partly account for changing
children
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’s
behaviours
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. These days
as a result
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 of a hectic lifestyle, there is not ample
time
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 for treating
children
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.
Therefore
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, parents prefer to have only one child.
Then
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, if all considerations in families were allocated to one child, these
children
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 would expect these treatments in schools.
This
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 method leads to becoming sensitive and expecting every person to meet their need on
time
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although
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 it would not happen at schools in future. So they are showing bad behaviour in educational institutes.
This
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 change to bad manners stems from changing media
content
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. Broadcast
content
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 plays a vital role in
children
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's
behaviours
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 and changing role models. In past, having followed movies and programs with suitable
content
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,
such
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 as, hardworking, trustworthy being modest are key points of the movie named “A Girl In The Farm”, but, nowadays,
children
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 are spending
time
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 playing video games and are prone to some enormous violence, it can influence their manner gradually.
Then
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, worse
behaviours
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 were shown at
school
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 by
children
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. Parents should register offspring in different pieces of training merely for them before going to
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
school
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. These trains provide information and materials.
In addition
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,
children
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 can spend some
time
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 with expert tutors.
As a result
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 of these programs, they learn suitable
behaviours
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 for preparing for
school
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.
In addition
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, Governments should pass some
laws
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 for media and game providers. These
laws
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 should restrict these groups to their contents for people who are at an early age.
For instance
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, some special psychologists should admit these contents in order to release them in the market.
Due to
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 these
laws
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 are more likely to change suitable and efficient contact for video games.
To conclude
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, even though increasing only child trends and changes in media
content
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 contribute to changing
children
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’s
behaviours
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, parents and governments can remedy
this
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 situation. In my opinion, holding educational programs before going to
school
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 and some
laws
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 and legislation are steps in the right direction.

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Coherence and Cohesion
Try to structure your essay more clearly by breaking up long paragraphs into smaller ones. This will make your points easier to follow and understand.
Task Achievement
Make sure each main point is fully supported with clear examples and detailed explanations. For instance, you could provide a more specific example of how hectic lifestyles lead parents to have only one child.
Coherence and Cohesion
Avoid using complex sentences excessively; they can sometimes obscure your main points. Aim for clarity and simplicity in your writing.
Task Achievement
Add more specific examples or case studies for your points about media influence and parental roles. Specific examples will make your arguments more convincing and easier to relate to.
Task Achievement
You've successfully identified key factors contributing to worsening children's behavior, such as hectic lifestyles and media influence.
Introduction and Conclusion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion which nicely frame your arguments.
Task Achievement and Coherence
The solutions you proposed are practical and directly address the issues raised.

Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

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