IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

The working week should be shorter abd workers should have a longer weekend. Do you agree or disagree

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In the contemporary era,
while
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 some people advocate working for long hours to make a living, others have a diverse perspective. I am of the belief that governments have to lessen the working days to conserve the well-being of residents, and to strengthen the family bonds. In the beginning, despite agreeing on the importance of
work
Use synonyms
, spending the whole day at desk jobs has resulted in deleterious effects on workers. To explain, if employees exert efforts at their jobs for a prolonged period without sufficient rest, they may acquire numerous health issues.
For instance
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, a recent study conducted by Time magazine revealed that a number of Egyptians have been diagnosed with depression because of
work
Use synonyms
 strains.
Therefore
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, what can be said is that shortening the working week is mandatory to
impede
Verb problem
prevent
show examples
 different diseases.
Moreover
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, some fathers
work
Use synonyms
 in more than one company
due to
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 financial reasons, and
as a result
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,
this
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 has led to weakening their relationship with their family. When they spend around 12 hours or more at offices, they will not have enough time for their dependents. A prime example is the Egyptian minors who cannot see their fathers for a week, and they cannot build a healthy relationship with them.
Thus
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, it is suggested to decrease the days of
work
Use synonyms
 to maintain the stability of families. In conclusion, by highlighting the above-mentioned points, it can be reiterated that working for a long time has detrimental impacts on both health and families. I think that authorities should mitigate
this
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 dilemma by shortening the working week and hours to preserve the mental health of their citizens.

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task achievement
While the essay presents a well-rounded discussion, enhancing the depth of examples by including more statistical or anecdotal evidence could make your points more persuasive.
coherence cohesion
Improving paragraph transitions could further enhance the logical flow of the essay. For instance, using more explicit connecting words or phrases can help maintain coherence.
task achievement
The essay clearly states a position and maintains it throughout, showing strong task achievement.
coherence cohesion
The introduction effectively sets up the essay and the conclusion clearly summarizes the main points, creating a full circle of ideas.
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