IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Marketers should not be allowed to target children in their advertisements. Would you agree or disagree with this statement?

#marketers #target #children #advertisements
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Currently, it can not be denied that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
advertisements
Use synonyms
 have an influence
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 people’s daily
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
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.
Therefore
Linking Words
, marketers should come up with ideas that can persuade consumers to purchase the
products
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. In my opinion,
children
Use synonyms
 should not be targeted in
this
Linking Words
 industry. Since they are still unable to buy something by themselves.
Firstly
Linking Words
,
children
Use synonyms
 cannot make their own decisions on purchasing something. They have to be allowed by their parents.
As a result
Linking Words
, it will be double decisions,
from
Change preposition
for
show examples
kids
Use synonyms
 and parents.
This
Linking Words
 has a negative impact
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the
makekters
Correct your spelling
marketers
. The company will hardly get many profits and the number of sold
products
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 may be limited.
Therefore
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, the companies may produce
an ads
Correct the article-noun agreement
ads
an ad
show examples
 directly to parents who have the ability to afford the
products
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.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, there are still some
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
advertisements
Use synonyms
which its
Correct pronoun usage
whose
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 contents
were
Wrong verb form
are
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 inappropriate for
children
Use synonyms
 to watch. Because they are lack of critical thinking and skills of understanding than adults. They can be easily tricked.
For instance
Linking Words
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
harmful
advertisements
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 can
led
Change the verb form
lead
be led
show examples
 to inappropriate behaviors in
kids
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 like eating unhealthy food.
Thus
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, It is
also
Linking Words
 very important to note that companies should follow ethics when they advertise their
products
Use synonyms
 because
kids
Use synonyms
 will grow up to be consumers in
few
Correct article usage
a few
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 years. In my opinion,
although
Linking Words
 some people believe that marketers should be allowed to target
children
Use synonyms
 in their
advertisements
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, I disagree with
this
Linking Words
. Since the marketers will get less
profits
Fix the agreement mistake
profit
show examples
 from
kids
Use synonyms
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
the
advertisements
Use synonyms
 should be limited or strictly controlled by the government. The company should be careful when producing ads for
kids
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by rasita.pare on

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introduction
Although your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, it would benefit from a well-defined thesis statement to clarify your stand from the beginning. Try to clearly state your main argument in the introduction.
supported main points
Some of your points need stronger supporting details or examples. For instance, you might elaborate on how children being unable to buy products themselves impacts the advertising industry.
relevant specific examples
Include more relevant examples to back up your arguments. The provided example of unhealthy food advertisements could be better explained with statistics or real-world cases.
sentence structure
Work on improving sentence structure and grammar. Minor grammatical errors do not overshadow your message but refining them can make your argument more persuasive.
introduction
You have a clear introduction and conclusion, which makes your essay easy to follow.
logical structure
The essay is fairly well-organized, with each paragraph focusing on a specific point.
supported main points
You make valid points regarding the vulnerability of children to advertising and the ethical considerations involved.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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