IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Marketers should not be allowed to target children in their advertisements. Would you agree or disagree with this statement?

#marketers #target #children #advertisements
Currently, it can not be denied that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
advertisements
 have an influence
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 people’s daily
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
.
Therefore
, marketers should come up with ideas that can persuade consumers to purchase the
products
. In my opinion,
children
 should not be targeted in
this
 industry. Since they are still unable to buy something by themselves.
Firstly
,
children
 cannot make their own decisions on purchasing something. They have to be allowed by their parents.
As a result
, it will be double decisions,
from
Change preposition
for
show examples
kids
 and parents.
This
 has a negative impact
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the
makekters
Correct your spelling
marketers
. The company will hardly get many profits and the number of sold
products
 may be limited.
Therefore
, the companies may produce
an ads
Correct the article-noun agreement
ads
an ad
show examples
 directly to parents who have the ability to afford the
products
.
Furthermore
, there are still some
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
advertisements
which its
Correct pronoun usage
whose
show examples
 contents
were
Wrong verb form
are
show examples
 inappropriate for
children
 to watch. Because they are lack of critical thinking and skills of understanding than adults. They can be easily tricked.
For instance
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
harmful
advertisements
 can
led
Change the verb form
lead
be led
show examples
 to inappropriate behaviors in
kids
 like eating unhealthy food.
Thus
, It is
also
 very important to note that companies should follow ethics when they advertise their
products
 because
kids
 will grow up to be consumers in
few
Correct article usage
a few
show examples
 years. In my opinion,
although
 some people believe that marketers should be allowed to target
children
 in their
advertisements
, I disagree with
this
. Since the marketers will get less
profits
Fix the agreement mistake
profit
show examples
 from
kids
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
the
advertisements
 should be limited or strictly controlled by the government. The company should be careful when producing ads for
kids
.
Submitted by rasita.pare on

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introduction
Although your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, it would benefit from a well-defined thesis statement to clarify your stand from the beginning. Try to clearly state your main argument in the introduction.
supported main points
Some of your points need stronger supporting details or examples. For instance, you might elaborate on how children being unable to buy products themselves impacts the advertising industry.
relevant specific examples
Include more relevant examples to back up your arguments. The provided example of unhealthy food advertisements could be better explained with statistics or real-world cases.
sentence structure
Work on improving sentence structure and grammar. Minor grammatical errors do not overshadow your message but refining them can make your argument more persuasive.
introduction
You have a clear introduction and conclusion, which makes your essay easy to follow.
logical structure
The essay is fairly well-organized, with each paragraph focusing on a specific point.
supported main points
You make valid points regarding the vulnerability of children to advertising and the ethical considerations involved.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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