The population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Why is that?

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It is true that there has been a demographic trend that shows a higher number of young adults than that of older people in some areas.
This
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essay will demonstrate that the high fertility rate and immigration are the two key factors that lead to
this
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trend.
Firstly
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, the primary reason for a larger concentration of the working-age population in current years comes from the desire to have many children in the past.
That is
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to say, the public used to highlight the importance of heirs and childbearing so that’s why it was common that a child was born every two years, resulting in larger cohorts of young adults in subsequent generations.
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, outdated norms
also
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have an impact on current demographic trends by fluctuating fertility rates. A clear example can be seen with gender inequality which is claimed to have been an alarming issue in China, as women are supposed to give birth to more sons despite the number of daughters they already have. Another possible argument that causes age distribution is immigration.
In other words
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, young adults often migrate in search of educational or employment opportunities, leading to a higher proportion of
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demographic in certain regions or countries. Finland,
for instance
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, is one of the developed countries where many international students apply for permanent visas,
thus
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more young workers decide to settle down there. In conclusion, the shift in the younger population can be attributed to the birth rate and individual’s desire to move to other places.
Therefore
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, if no measures have been taken, the urgent problem of an imbalance in age will continue to accelerate.
Submitted by banhbao0565 on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and sticks to it throughout. Sometimes, multiple ideas can be merged or divided to enhance clarity.
task achievement
Try to incorporate a wider range of vocabulary to make the essay more dynamic and engaging.
task achievement
Include more varied sentence structures to demonstrate a higher level of grammatical proficiency.
task achievement
The essay clearly addresses the prompt by discussing two key factors contributing to the demographic trend.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are effective, setting up the discussion and summarizing it well.
task achievement
Relevant and specific examples, such as those about China and Finland, effectively support the main points.
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