IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

some people believe that young people who commit serious crimes should be punished in the same way as adults. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Recently, there have been growing concerns about teenage
criminals
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. As an answer to
this
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 issue, some
people
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 have claimed that young
people
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 should be punished in the same ways as
adults
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.
This
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 is true;
however
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, I personally disagree with
this
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 statement because teenagers are able to be improved.
Firstly
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, teenagers are too young to recognize bad
crimes
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. They are more immature and inexperienced than
adults
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 so they cannot realise how their acts will negatively affect others. I understand that without being taught about morality, they could not acknowledge serious
crimes
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.
For instance
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, if guardians
such
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 as parents or teachers have never taught their
children
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 about robbing,
children
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 will likely take friends' things just because they look attractive. They couldn't imagine why it was a crime.
Hence
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, I suggest that since
children
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 lack of ability to judge
crimes
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, we should give them chances to realize morality themselves.
Moreover
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, if we put harsh
punishments
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 like
adults
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,
children
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 will lose their self-confidence. Having strong
punishments
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, young
people
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 will be discouraged from improving their lives.
For example
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, it is hard for them to get a job or go to University because they are marked as
criminals
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 which has many restrictions on living. Another concern is that our society can miss intelligent individuals by giving
punishments
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. Giving limitations on
people
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 who were punished before, those
people
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 cannot show their abilities even if they are genius about something.
Therefore
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, I believe we should improve programs for young
criminals
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 to develop their abilities rather than just punishing them. In conclusion, I firmly disagree that young
criminals
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 should be punished harshly like
adults
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 because
this
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 can hinder them from improving their capabilities and they are too young to judge their behaviours. For these reasons, I think,
instead
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 of providing
punishments
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, we need to assist young
people
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 to prevent serious
crimes
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.

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task achievement
Your introduction is clear and sets the context of your argument well. However, you could strengthen it by briefly outlining the main points that you will discuss.
coherence cohesion
The essay is mostly clear and coherent, but occasionally the sentences are a bit awkward. Try to vary your sentence structure and use more complex sentences to improve the flow.
task achievement
You provide relevant examples to support your points, but be sure to explain your examples fully to show exactly how they relate to your main argument.
coherence cohesion
Transitions are used effectively, but make sure each paragraph starts with a clear topic sentence to improve cohesion.
task achievement
Your argument is well-reasoned and you address both sides of the issue effectively.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion effectively summarizes your main points and reiterates your stance, which is very important for clarity.
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