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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The process diagram illustrates the steps by which liquid chocolcate is produced from cocoa beans.

The process diagram illustrates the steps by which liquid chocolcate is produced from cocoa beans.
The flow chart shows the process that how
cocoa
Use synonyms
beans
Use synonyms
 are turned into
chocolate
Use synonyms
.
Overall
Linking Words
, there are 10 stages in the whole
Use synonyms
chocolate producing
Add a hyphen
chocolate-producing
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 process,
begining
Correct your spelling
beginning
 with the harvesting
ripe
Change preposition
of ripe
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 red pods and ending with the
completing
Replace the word
completion
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liquid
Change preposition
of liquid
show examples
chocolate
Use synonyms
.
To begin
Linking Words
, the white
cocoa
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beans
Use synonyms
 used to harvest in order to
beans
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 fermentation from
cocoa
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tree
Fix the agreement mistake
trees
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 which are grown in South America, Africa and Indonesia . After
,
Remove the comma
apply
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they are fermented , these
beans
Use synonyms
 are placed in order to
sun dry
Correct your spelling
sundry
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. They are stayed for a
while
Linking Words
 in
sun
Correct article usage
the sun
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.
Afterwords
Correct your spelling
Afterwards
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, they are packed or put in
lurge
Correct your spelling
large
 sacks and delivered by train or lorry. After
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
Beans
Use synonyms
 are transported, they are roasted which
brought
Add a missing verb
is brought
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 to the factory. The temperature of
cocoa
Use synonyms
beans
Use synonyms
 roasting
were
Change the verb form
was
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 350 degrees . In the subsequent step, the
Beans
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 go through a crushing and removing process in order to clean
of
Change preposition
up
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 excess things.
Finally
Linking Words
, the
Beans
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 are pressed until they become
chocolate
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. In conclusion,
cocoa
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beans
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expressed
Wrong verb form
express
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 different processes
Linking Words
while
Correct word choice
when
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 they are turned into
chocolate
Use synonyms
.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Replace the words cocoa, beans, chocolate with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "undefined" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: Only 3 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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