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Writing Samples
Band 6

In some societies, obesity is regarded as a major problem. Some people believe that junk food advertising is largely to blame for this problem and should be banned. However, others feel that junk food advertising does not contribute to the problem of obesity and should not be banned. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion. You should use your own ideas, knowledge, and experience and support your arguments with examples and relevant evidence.

#societies #obesity #people #junk #food #support #arguments #evidence
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With the various transformations of the world's major concern,
obesity
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 is one of the most conversational topics
in
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apply
show examples
these days.
People
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 in some communities think that fast
food
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 advertising has direct involvement in
this
Linking Words
 cause and should be prohibited.
However
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, some groups think promoting junk snacks is not involved with these health
issues
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 and not be banned. I believe, that most
people
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 think giving promotions for fast
food
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 creates a direct
impact
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 on unusual weight gain because these will lead to generating more likeliness towards consuming fast
food
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. Especially, children and youth generations will grab these interesting commercials without considering the other facts.
Moreover
Linking Words
, manufacturers will not be able to explain the causes and effects within that limited time in electronic advertisements.
For example
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, KFC is promoting their chicken items very creatively but never reveals the
impact
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 of having fried
food
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 regularly. Based on the above reasons,
this
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 group of
people
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 believe that junk
food
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 advertisements should be stopped.
On the other hand
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, some set of
people
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 assume that advertising junkies is not contributing to general health
issues
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 like
obesity
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.
For instance
Linking Words
, they believe that having generational genetic
issues
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, not acquiring enough physical engagement, and wrong patterns in consuming meals are the hidden
issues
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instead
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 of junk meal advertising relating to
obesity
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.
Therefore
Linking Words
, their opinion is not to make caps on promoting easy quick foods. In conclusion, I
also
Linking Words
 think there is no direct relationship or
impact
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 between fast
food
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 advertising and
obesity
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. If these kinds of promotions encourage the buying behaviour of society or if not provide adequate details for the customers regarding the consequences, there are many other facts relating to
obesity
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 in the social network.
Such
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 as; the
impact
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 of genetic features, lack of
exercises
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exercise
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,
alcoholic
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alcohol
show examples
 consumption, and not following the right
food
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 consumption styles.
Therefore
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, I believe there is no need to ban the advertisements for fast foods.
Submitted by silvasandumi on

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coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which is essential for a good score. However, you should work on improving the logical flow of your ideas. Try to use more cohesive devices like 'Furthermore,' 'Moreover,' and 'However' to make the transitions between points smoother.
task achievement
While you provide relevant examples, ensure they are clearly explained and directly support the points you make. For instance, when mentioning KFC's advertising, elaborate on how exactly it lacks information on health impacts. This helps in making your argument stronger.
task achievement
Your sentences sometimes lack clarity. Make sure your ideas are clearly expressed. For example, rephrase sentences that are too complex or vague. Proofreading for grammatical errors can significantly improve the comprehensibility of your essay.
task achievement
You've successfully delivered a complete response to the prompt. Both sides of the argument are discussed, and your own opinion is clearly stated in the conclusion.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. The points are generally well-organized.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • obesity
  • junk food
  • advertising
  • banning
  • influence
  • dietary habits
  • calories
  • nutrients
  • exposure
  • impressionable
  • lifestyle choices
  • physical activity
  • nutrition education
  • balanced diet
  • freedom of choice
  • market economy
  • informed decisions
  • manipulated
  • advertisements
  • combat obesity
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