In many countries around the world, life expectancy is increasing. Do the advantages outweigh disadvantages?
In modern days,
people
are able to live longer lives compared to how they used to in the past. This
raises some concern to a
Correct article usage
apply
some
as Correct quantifier usage
apply
longer living
Add a hyphen
longer-living
people
mean there will be less
job Change the quantifier
fewer
opportunites
for newer generations. Correct your spelling
opportunities
However
, other
argue that the longer life expectancy brings benefits Fix the agreement mistake
others
such
as better mental wellbeing
Correct your spelling
well-being
of
common folk Change preposition
for
due to
having more time to live and spend with their loved ones. I believe that the advantages nor
the disadvantages outweigh each other.
Correct word choice
and
To begin
with, it is quite obvious that prolonged life expectancy would allow for more opportunities to have quality time with our families. In other words
, longevity allows us to nurture long-lasting relationships, fostering a sense of belonging and generally improving our mental well-being. For example
, psychologists of
Germany noticed a decrease in suicide rates Change preposition
in
due to
people
living longer and as such
having more opportunities to receive the much needed
support and help from their close ones which saved them.
Add a hyphen
much-needed
On the other hand
, the lengthy lifespan would result in older
generation taking away all the positions in various organizations which would lead to the young graduates not Correct article usage
the older
able
to find a proper profession and Add a missing verb
being able
securing
a future for their nation and themselves. Wrong verb form
secure
For instance
, there is a long lasting
issue in Italy where Add a hyphen
long-lasting
italian
youth have trouble Change the capitalization
Italian
with
getting employed as most of Change preposition
apply
career
choices would be already taken away by their elders.
In conclusion, there are very helpful pros to long life expectancy Correct pronoun usage
their career
such
as generally better mental well-being of people
due to
having more time to spend with their loved ones. However
, cons do exist such
as the next generation not being able to find a proper job.Submitted by akzharkynzhamal on
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task achievement
Your essay is well-structured and you successfully provide both advantages and disadvantages of increased life expectancy. However, your position on whether the advantages outweigh the disadvantages isn't clear. Clarify your stance to strengthen your task achievement.
task achievement
Your ideas are generally clear, but there are minor grammatical errors and awkward phrases that can impact readability. For example, 'concern to a some' should be 'concern to some' and 'other argue' should be 'others argue.'
coherence cohesion
Use more varied linking words and phrases to improve coherence. For example, instead of starting a sentence with 'For instance,' try 'For example' or 'Additionally' to add more variety to your writing.
task achievement
Develop your arguments with more detailed explanations and examples. While you included a good example regarding Germany, the other example about Italy could be expanded further to provide more depth.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are clear and present, providing a good overview of the points discussed.
task achievement
You provided relevant and specific examples that help support your main points, such as the reference to psychologists in Germany.
Fully explain your ideas
To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).
For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Sentence 1 - Background statement
- Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
- Sentence 3 - Thesis
- Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
- Sentence 1 - Summary
- Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
- Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation
Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.