IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

according to some recent research rates for committing crime after a criminal's release are concerning at such high numbers, although unspecified.

#research #rates #crime #release #numbers
according to
 some recent research rates for committing crime after a criminal's release are concerning at
such
 high numbers,
although
 unspecified.
This
 writer firmly believes that the case resides in the contentment of
prison
 life and the
society
 as a whole of
prisoners
, which can be resolved by improving facilities
as well as
 providing
treatment
 for those
people
. It should be comprehended that no individual can possibly find
prison
 a good place to stay in, let it be
due to
 either deliberately committing a crime or not that has sent them there. To elaborate on
this
, the experience as a whole is never pleasant, consisting of all the dull work, isolation from the outer world or even worse, being discriminated against and treated inhumanely by the guards
as well as
prisoners
. All of these are contributory factors leading to the sense of dehumanization that those
people
 experience on a daily routine.
As a consequence
, even if one was
initially
 a well-behaved citizen individuals wouldn’t be able to maintain their sanity after
such
treatment
, creating a mentality of paying back to
society
 for what they have gone through.
This
 is truly a very concerning scenario, yet it is virtually possible to provide them with a more acceptable environment to live in to solve
this
 issue. To articulate,
this
 would mean better
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
facilities and being stricter on conflicts between individuals so as to lessen the strain on those with a good mindset for
society
 and punish those with opposing attitudes. Theoretically, when receiving
such
treatment
, they wouldn’t be as pessimistic in life and have better perceptions
on
Change preposition
of
show examples
 the government and the world as a whole. As a precedent, a specific
prison
 in Russia has implemented
this
 notion and received reports sharing positive trends, all by changing the way they view
prisoners
.
As
Change preposition
In
show examples
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
summation, the alarmingly high statistics for proportions of
people
 who commit crimes after their release from
prison
 are
due to
 the dissatisfaction they have for the
prison
, which is resolvable with a change in perception towards
prisoners
 by bettering their lives there
..
Replace the punctuation
.
...
show examples
This
 writer firmly believes that the case resides in the contentment of
prison
 life and the
society
 as a whole of
prisoners
, which can be resolved by improving facilities
as well as
 providing
treatment
 for those
people
.
Submitted by Nghỉ hè vui vẻ cả nhà on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence and cohesion
To improve the logical structure, consider using clearer topic sentences and transitions between paragraphs. This will make your arguments easier to follow.
task achievement
Providing more specific examples and statistics would strengthen your argument. For instance, detailing the specific changes in the Russian prison and their results could help.
task achievement
Minor grammatical errors can be corrected to improve clarity. For example, "let it be due to either deliberately committing a crime or not that has sent them there" could be simplified for better readability.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which frame the argument well.
coherence and cohesion
The main points are logical and well-supported, showing a good understanding of the topic.
task achievement
The essay addresses the task and provides relevant ideas on how to improve prison conditions to reduce recidivism.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

You are not ready for IELTS Speaking, if you

  • Can’t speak smoothly without pauses.
  • Use simple words and lack vocabulary.
  • Feel nervous and anxious when speaking.
What to do next:
Look at other essays:

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!