IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some parents buy their kids a large number of toys to play with. What are the advantages and disadvantages of a child having a large number of toys?

#parents #kids #toys #child
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There is an opinion that the parents have spent a great deal of amount for their
children
. One of the biggest portions of the money in
first
Correct article usage
the first
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 years of life is spent on leisure activities and play items. Obviously, there are both positive and negative effects on it and
family’s
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family
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 members should be
carefully
Change the word
careful
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 in purchasing. A main positive aspect of
diversification
Correct article usage
the diversification
show examples
 of playthings is that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
each of these contributed
develop
Replace the word
to the development
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at
Change preposition
of
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children
’s different
skills
,
such
 as
of
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apply
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cognitive function from earlier years, motor
skills
, imagination,
sociability
Correct word choice
and sociability
show examples
.
Moreover
, it is paramount that tools
to
Fix the infinitive
apply
show examples
be confectioned from natural and harmless materials.
For instance
, one of the most popular playthings is Lego
and
Correct word choice
which
show examples
 can develop colour recognition, logic and attention to the connecting part of every detail. Another type of game is team play, which has features that are beneficial to all members. It develops communication, observation and empathy
skills
, and
children
 grow up to be responsible people in the future.
On the other hand
, there are potential drawbacks if you have too many
toys
. Too many can lead to overstimulation and difficulty concentrating, as
children
 can become overloaded with the huge choice.
This
 can impede their ability to engage in deep and meaningful play and contribute to reduced attention spans.
In addition
, an abundance of
toys
 can foster a sense of entitlement and a lack of appreciation for the
toys
 they have. In conclusion,
while
 having a reasonable number of
toys
 can be beneficial to a child's development, it is important to find a balance. Parents should aim to provide a sufficient variety of
toys
 to stimulate creativity and exploration
,
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apply
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while
 teaching
children
 to appreciate and care for their possessions. Moderation and careful toy selection can help
children
 develop essential
skills
while
 avoiding the pitfalls of excess.
Submitted by acaitaz on

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task response
The essay effectively addresses the prompt by discussing both the advantages and disadvantages of children having a large number of toys. However, some points could be further elaborated for clarity and depth.
task response
Ensure to clearly state and elaborate on each advantage and disadvantage, providing concrete examples where possible. This will enhance the clarity and comprehensiveness of your ideas.
coherence cohesion
Work on improving sentence structure and grammatical accuracy to make the essay more cohesive. Some sentences are complex and could be simplified for better understanding.
coherence cohesion
Use more varied linking words and phrases to smoothly transition between ideas and points. This will help in maintaining a clear flow of information throughout the essay.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, contributing to the overall coherence and structure.
task response
The main points are supported by relevant examples, which strengthen the arguments presented.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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