IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some parents buy their kids a large number of toys to play with. What are the advantages and disadvantages of a child having a large number of toys?

✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
In
this
Linking Words
 day and age, parents have the tendency to buy their
kids
Use synonyms
 more toys than necessary, which could encourage these children to have high living standards in the future.
However
Linking Words
, they will
also
Linking Words
 get bored faster and will not enjoy these toys to the maximum. One advantage is that by giving
kids
Use synonyms
 almost every toy they could dream of, parents unconsciously set the expectation that in
life
Punctuation problem
life,
show examples
 these future adults should get whatever they wish for.
Moreover
Linking Words
, they will be more likely to work hard in the future just to maintain the lifestyle they are used to.
For example
Linking Words
, people usually have the tendency to give their babies the same type of education and values that they grew up
in
Change preposition
with
show examples
, even a little more in most cases. In order to achieve that, they are supposed to maintain their current lifestyle and aim even higher. So,
this
Linking Words
 type of mentality can be healthy if the concept behind it is explained carefully before buying the toy. One disadvantage is that youngsters will not learn how to take care of their toys, as a new one constantly appears.
This
Linking Words
 will make them get bored faster because it is a lot of stimulation in a small time span, making them perceive their parents’ efforts as nothing special. As an example from my personal experience, I have noticed that
kids
Use synonyms
 who have everything, especially without even asking, are not as enthusiastic about the little joys of life.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, it is harder to entertain them and keep them busy.
To conclude
Linking Words
, parents should definitely try to give their
kids
Use synonyms
 the best childhood experience possible, but it is very important to keep in mind not to overstimulate them unnecessarily.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Answer both sides more fully. You explain the bad side well, but the good side is less clear and not always convincing.
task response
Use more direct ideas about toys and child growth. Some parts move to adult life too early, so the main point is less strong.
task response
Add one more clear and real example for each main paragraph. This will make your ideas stronger and easier to trust.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, body, and end. Keep this simple shape in future essays.
coherence and cohesion
Some links are good, like 'Moreover', 'For example', and 'To conclude'. But a few ideas inside the first body paragraph do not flow very smoothly.
coherence and cohesion
Make each paragraph focus on one main idea only. This will help the reader follow your point more easily.
task response
You answer both the advantage and the disadvantage, so the essay stays on topic.
task response
Your conclusion is clear and matches the main discussion.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is easy to follow because it has clear paragraphs.
coherence and cohesion
You use basic linking words in a helpful way.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: