Today more people put personal and private information online to do everyday activities such as banking, shopping, and socializing. Is this a positive or negative development?

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Now there is a common trend of moving personal
information
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to the internet. In my opinion, despite some downsides related to cloud services, there are actually more benefits to be gained from
this
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situation. On one hand, there are several negative impacts that should be accounted for. The major drawback is that the database that stores data is not absolutely secure.
Therefore
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, personal
information
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stored on the internet can be stolen or misused by cybercriminals in a number of ways, which not only causes property damage to
customers
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but
also
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reputation damage to the company. Another downside is that online users often experience significant eye strain when using these,
due to
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having to manage bank accounts, shop on multiple websites and keep in touch with friends
On the other hand
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, I believe that online services can bring more benefits. The first advantage of updating personal
information
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online is that it helps
customers
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have more opportunities to make money. Taking banking as an example, with
information
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registered online,
customers
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can make online purchases more comfortably by putting their data on the platform. They can avoid time-consuming search stages for changes because their identification and payment methods have been linked since the first sign-up. Thanks to that, shopping is accelerated. Another advantage is that it
also
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is advantageous for the providers and suppliers in their businesses to increase the shoppers’ convenient shopping experience, helps them feel easy in the exchange and trade because the suppliers can remember their interests and provide suitable items to them.
As a result
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,
this
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will boost the company’s profits. In general,
although
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customers
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may encounter some risks
such
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as online fraud, storing
information
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online is an inevitable trend and will become more and more convenient for us. Personally, I believe that in the digital age
information
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storage on the internet can have some detrimental effects, but its convenience and advantages are more significant for both
customers
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and suppliers.
Submitted by phamnhung275 on

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task achievement
The essay presents clear ideas and familiar examples, but you should include more specific, concrete examples and data to support your arguments. Provide real-life cases or statistics that can underline the benefits and risks of online data storage more vividly.
coherence cohesion
The overall structure of the essay is logical, with both positive and negative aspects well-separated and discussed. However, the cohesive devices could be used more effectively to enhance the flow between ideas. Be cautious with paragraphing, ensuring each paragraph has a clear central idea, and work on the transitions for a smoother narrative.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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