Today more people put personal and private information online to do everyday activities such as banking, shopping, and socializing. Is this a positive or negative development?

#people #information #activities #development

Now there is a common trend of moving personal

information

to the internet. In my opinion, despite some downsides related to cloud services, there are actually more benefits to be gained from

this

situation. On one hand, there are several negative impacts that should be accounted for. The major drawback is that the database that stores data is not absolutely secure.

Therefore

, personal

information

stored on the internet can be stolen or misused by cybercriminals in a number of ways, which not only causes property damage to

customers

but

also

reputation damage to the company. Another downside is that online users often experience significant eye strain when using these,

due to

having to manage bank accounts, shop on multiple websites and keep in touch with friends

On the other hand

, I believe that online services can bring more benefits. The first advantage of updating personal

information

online is that it helps

customers

have more opportunities to make money. Taking banking as an example, with

information

registered online,

customers

can make online purchases more comfortably by putting their data on the platform. They can avoid time-consuming search stages for changes because their identification and payment methods have been linked since the first sign-up. Thanks to that, shopping is accelerated. Another advantage is that it

also

is advantageous for the providers and suppliers in their businesses to increase the shoppers’ convenient shopping experience, helps them feel easy in the exchange and trade because the suppliers can remember their interests and provide suitable items to them.

As a result

this

will boost the company’s profits. In general,

although

customers

may encounter some risks

such

as online fraud, storing

information

online is an inevitable trend and will become more and more convenient for us. Personally, I believe that in the digital age

information

storage on the internet can have some detrimental effects, but its convenience and advantages are more significant for both

customers

and suppliers.

Submitted by phamnhung275 on Sat Dec 02 2023

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task achievement

The essay presents clear ideas and familiar examples, but you should include more specific, concrete examples and data to support your arguments. Provide real-life cases or statistics that can underline the benefits and risks of online data storage more vividly.

coherence cohesion

The overall structure of the essay is logical, with both positive and negative aspects well-separated and discussed. However, the cohesive devices could be used more effectively to enhance the flow between ideas. Be cautious with paragraphing, ensuring each paragraph has a clear central idea, and work on the transitions for a smoother narrative.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

for example
for instance
to illustrate this
to give a clear example
such as
namely
to illustrate
take, for example

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8Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
2Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
0Grammar mistakes
 

4 paragraphs

321 words

7.50

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 7.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 9.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 6.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

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Today more people put personal and private information online to do everyday activities such as banking, shopping, and socializing. Is this a positive or negative development?

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Some people say that in all levels of education, from primary schools to universities, too much time is spent on learning facts and not enough on learning practical skills, Do you agree or disagree?

Students are becoming more and more reliant on technology. What are some of the problems associated with reliance on computers, and what are some of the possible solutions?

In a number of countries, some people think it is necessary to spend large sum of money on constructing new railway lines for very fast trains between cities. Other believes the money should be spent on improving exisitng public transport. Discuss both views and give your own pinion.

A lot of places in the world rely on tourism as a main source of income. Unfortunately, tourism can also be a source of problems if it is not managed correctly. Describe the advantages and disadvantages of tourism in the modern world. Do you think that benefits of tourism outweight its drawbacks?