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Band 5.5

Financial education should be included as a mandatory subject in schools to prepare students for managing money effectively. To what extent do you agree or disagree

#education #schools #students #money
Nowadays, economic education has been a major issue in many parts of the world. Some believe the
school
 should make a mandatory financial subject,
while
 others would argue that financial study does not need to be included as a compulsory subject.
However
, I agree with the former view that the
school
 must teach financial subjects for student's future.
To begin
 with, money is an indispensable part of life,
such
 as saving money,
rents
Fix the agreement mistake
rent
show examples
 and living costs. It is an undeniable fact that the
school
 is not the place that only teaches academic materials,
such
 as mathematics and languages and they should provide a variety of essential lessons for their future.
For instance
, many parents want schools to educate about the diverse money problems that students might experience in some future
case
Fix the agreement mistake
cases
show examples
.
For
this
 reason, the
school
 is the first facility where children can acquire knowledge of
economy
Add an article
the economy
show examples
.
Therefore
, the
school
 should have a crucial responsibility, and they have to make the mandatory financial materials.
Furthermore
, if students cannot be educated economy, they would
get
Verb problem
apply
show examples
easily
several
Add a missing verb
have several
show examples
 financial problems.
In these
Change preposition
These
show examples
 days, a significant number of
people
 use credit cards because it is a convenient way to pay.
However
, they are suffering from debt problems as well.
According to
 recent research, in South Korea, young
people
 are confused about how to manage their
finance
Fix the agreement mistake
finances
show examples
 after
graduated
Wrong verb form
graduating
show examples
 from secondary
schools
Fix the agreement mistake
school
show examples
, because students do not learn financial education at
schools
Fix the agreement mistake
school
show examples
. In short, if the
school
 provide
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
financial subjects as a mandatory curriculum, it would be one of the efficient ways to acquire and practice economic situations for young
people
. In conclusion, it is not a clear-cut issue.
However
, I believe that teaching economic education as a compulsory material at
school
,
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
should be the best learning
systems
Fix the agreement mistake
system
show examples
 that young
people
 can avoid financial
issue
Fix the agreement mistake
issues
show examples
 for a long period.
Submitted by kimjy3329 on

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task achievement
Your essay does a good job of addressing the prompt and making clear, comprehensive points about the necessity of financial education in schools. However, you should try to make your thesis statement clearer. For instance, 'I agree with the former view that the school must teach financial subjects for student's future' could be rephrased for clarity and impact.
coherence cohesion
The essay is logically structured with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, pay attention to ensuring smooth transitions between paragraphs. For instance, use more linking words and phrases (e.g., ‘Moreover,’ ‘In addition,’) to guide the reader through your arguments.
task achievement
While your points are well-supported, you could benefit from using more varied examples. Instead of relying largely on general statements and a single piece of research, try to incorporate different contexts or perspectives to strengthen your argument.
task achievement
You provide logical reasons and clear examples that support your argument. This demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and addresses the question comprehensively.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. This makes it easy to follow your arguments and understand your points.
coherence cohesion
Your main points are well-supported and you provide context and justification for your views, which shows depth in your writing.

You are not ready for IELTS Speaking, if you

  • Can’t speak smoothly without pauses.
  • Use simple words and lack vocabulary.
  • Feel nervous and anxious when speaking.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Financial literacy
  • Mandatory
  • Budgeting
  • Economic stability
  • Fiscal health
  • Credit
  • Interest rates
  • Investments
  • Curriculum
  • Informed decisions
  • Personal debt
  • Savings
  • Taxes
  • Expenditures
  • Fiscal responsibility
  • Money management
  • Financial planning
  • Economic education
  • Financial competence
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