IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Financial education should be included as a mandatory subject in schools to prepare students for managing money effectively. To what extent do you agree or disagree

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Nowadays, economic education has been a major issue in many parts of the world. Some believe the
school
Use synonyms
 should make a mandatory financial subject,
while
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 others would argue that financial study does not need to be included as a compulsory subject.
However
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, I agree with the former view that the
school
Use synonyms
 must teach financial subjects for student's future.
To begin
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 with, money is an indispensable part of life,
such
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 as saving money,
rents
Fix the agreement mistake
rent
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 and living costs. It is an undeniable fact that the
school
Use synonyms
 is not the place that only teaches academic materials,
such
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 as mathematics and languages and they should provide a variety of essential lessons for their future.
For instance
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, many parents want schools to educate about the diverse money problems that students might experience in some future
case
Fix the agreement mistake
cases
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.
For
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this
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 reason, the
school
Use synonyms
 is the first facility where children can acquire knowledge of
economy
Add an article
the economy
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.
Therefore
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, the
school
Use synonyms
 should have a crucial responsibility, and they have to make the mandatory financial materials.
Furthermore
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, if students cannot be educated economy, they would
get
Verb problem
apply
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easily
several
Add a missing verb
have several
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 financial problems.
In these
Change preposition
These
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 days, a significant number of
people
Use synonyms
 use credit cards because it is a convenient way to pay.
However
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, they are suffering from debt problems as well.
According to
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 recent research, in South Korea, young
people
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 are confused about how to manage their
finance
Fix the agreement mistake
finances
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 after
graduated
Wrong verb form
graduating
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 from secondary
schools
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school
show examples
, because students do not learn financial education at
schools
Fix the agreement mistake
school
show examples
. In short, if the
school
Use synonyms
 provide
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
financial subjects as a mandatory curriculum, it would be one of the efficient ways to acquire and practice economic situations for young
people
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. In conclusion, it is not a clear-cut issue.
However
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, I believe that teaching economic education as a compulsory material at
school
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,
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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should be the best learning
systems
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system
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 that young
people
Use synonyms
 can avoid financial
issue
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issues
show examples
 for a long period.

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task achievement
Your essay does a good job of addressing the prompt and making clear, comprehensive points about the necessity of financial education in schools. However, you should try to make your thesis statement clearer. For instance, 'I agree with the former view that the school must teach financial subjects for student's future' could be rephrased for clarity and impact.
coherence cohesion
The essay is logically structured with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, pay attention to ensuring smooth transitions between paragraphs. For instance, use more linking words and phrases (e.g., ‘Moreover,’ ‘In addition,’) to guide the reader through your arguments.
task achievement
While your points are well-supported, you could benefit from using more varied examples. Instead of relying largely on general statements and a single piece of research, try to incorporate different contexts or perspectives to strengthen your argument.
task achievement
You provide logical reasons and clear examples that support your argument. This demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and addresses the question comprehensively.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. This makes it easy to follow your arguments and understand your points.
coherence cohesion
Your main points are well-supported and you provide context and justification for your views, which shows depth in your writing.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Financial literacy
  • Mandatory
  • Budgeting
  • Economic stability
  • Fiscal health
  • Credit
  • Interest rates
  • Investments
  • Curriculum
  • Informed decisions
  • Personal debt
  • Savings
  • Taxes
  • Expenditures
  • Fiscal responsibility
  • Money management
  • Financial planning
  • Economic education
  • Financial competence
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