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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Experts claim that if older people do more exercise they will be healthier and happier. However, many elderly people suffer from a lack of fitness. What are the causes of this and what are some possible solutions?

#experts #people #exercise #lack #fitness
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In
this
 overpolluted era, it is necessary for every human to take care of their body.
As a result
, many researchers deem that, to live a happy and healthy life, it is crucial for older to
exercise
 regularly.
However
, numerous young
people
 have less physical fitness.
It's
Correct your spelling
Its
show examples
causes
 can be tackled by feasible solutions. I will elaborate on my opinion in the upcoming paragraphs. There are many
causes
, why elder
people
 are unhealthy and older
people
 need to do more
exercise
.
Firstly
, because of
this
 competitive world,
myriad
Correct article usage
a myriad
show examples
jobbers
Change preposition
of jobbers
show examples
 and educators do hard work in order to achieve their goals.
Consequently
, they get less time to take care of their body and
exercise
,
as well as
 avoid cooking food at home because of time
constraint
Fix the agreement mistake
constraints
show examples
. Which
causes
 detrimental effects on
individual's
Correct article usage
an individual's
show examples
 health and
causes
 perilous ailments
such
 as cancer and high blood pressure.
secondly
, after ageing, the body might not support the intense
exercise
.
This
 problem has many feasible solutions.
People
 can make a balance between their work life and free time during their older
age
.
As a result
,
people
 can
do
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
exercise
 and decrease the consumption of fast food, which
succors
Verb problem
helps
show examples
 them to stay strong and fit.
Moreover
, a balanced life helps
people
 to stay mentally fit by enjoying trips every year.
Furthermore
, by reading
mental
Change the word
mentally
show examples
 relaxing books readers gain self-confidence and mental strength which is helpful during their old
age
.
For example
, books like Bhagvat Geeta
helps
Correct subject-verb agreement
help
show examples
 them to stay motivated and build
an
Remove the article
apply
show examples
inner strength. In recapitulation, I deem that if
people
 take care and are aware
about
Change the preposition
of
show examples
 their fitness
Change preposition
at in
show examples
in
Correct your spelling
an
show examples
 early
age
,
than
Replace the word
then
show examples
 it might be helpful as
age
 progresses.
Submitted by milonishekhaliya on

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task achievement
The introduction should be more closely aligned with the task prompt. Make sure to clearly state the issues and possible solutions related to the topic of elderly people and exercise.
supported main points
In the body paragraphs, more specific examples related to the elderly and exercise would strengthen the essay. This would make the points more relevant and easier to comprehend.
coherence cohesion
Use more linking words and phrases to make transitions smoother between sentences and ideas. This will improve the overall flow of the essay.
clear comprehensive ideas
Avoid vague language such as 'myriad jobbers and educators'; be specific about who you are referring to. This will make your ideas clearer and more precise.
task achievement
The essay addresses the issue and attempts to provide solutions, staying largely relevant to the prompt.
coherence cohesion
There is a clear effort to discuss both causes and solutions, which shows an understanding of the task requirements.
introduction conclusion present
The conclusion successfully summarizes the main points and provides a final opinion.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Chronic pain
  • Arthritis
  • Mental changes
  • Depression
  • Loneliness
  • Social support
  • Injury prevention
  • Low-impact exercises
  • Tai chi
  • Yoga
  • Health campaigns
  • Senior-friendly
  • Convenience
  • Motivation
  • Community resources
What to do next:
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