IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Scientists agree that many people eat too much junk food and it is damaging their health. Some people think that this problem can be solved by educating people, while others believe that education will not work. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#scientists #people #junk #food #health #education #work
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Undeniably,
junk
food
 is harmful to people’s health. Some think that people could stop consuming them if they are well-educated,
while
 others think
this
 will not work. The writer leans towards the latter as these fast
foodfood
Correct your spelling
food foods
 actually become an indispensable part of today's life. The proliferation of fast
food
 began in the 2010s, when people were adapting to a fast-paced life and their businesses did not allow them to enjoy a complete meal. Actually, the importance of a healthy diet is often undervalued and individuals could save up a huge amount of time if they opt for
junk
food
instead
.
This
 lifestyle can be exemplified by the fact that there are several employees even typing on their laptops and eating hamburgers at McDonald’s.
Hence
, the educational effort to stop people from consuming fast
food
 will be in vain.
On the other hand
, low-income communities, who make up a big proportion of society, may have limited access to nutritious foods and rely more on inexpensive, calorie-dense
junk
food
.
Such
 a problem may only be addressed by broader systemic changes rather than education, which ought to be left into the hands of the government.
However
,
this
 would require a long period to carry out,
such
 as building organic
food
 stores on a large scale.
Thus
, the habit of eating too much
junk
food
 still exists and spreads into bigger communities. In conclusion, I believe that the education of reducing consumption of
junk
food
 still has no effects.
This
 is because, the residents completely depend on it to save their time on leading a healthy diet,
not to mention
 the limited availability of organic
food
 stores.
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coherence cohesion
Ensure to link your ideas more clearly and logically to enhance the coherence of your essay. For example, you can use more transitional phrases or words to show the connection between your ideas more explicitly.
task achievement
Try to elaborate more on your main points and provide more in-depth examples or supporting details. This would enhance the depth and clarity of your arguments.
task achievement
Proofread your essay to correct any minor language errors and ensure higher accuracy in word usage and sentence structures. Even small improvements in language can significantly elevate the overall quality of your essay.
coherence cohesion
You have structured your essay well with a clear introduction and conclusion, making it easy for the reader to follow your arguments.
task achievement
You have addressed both views as required by the task and provided your own opinion clearly.
task achievement
Your main points are relevant to the topic, and you have provided specific contexts in which junk food consumption is prevalent.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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