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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people say that art is an essential subject and every child should learn it in school. Do you agree or disagree?

#people #art #child #school
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There is a compelling case for including art in
students
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' syllabi, with teachers nurturing their artistic interests. It's important to recognize that
while
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 some
students
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 may excel in traditional subjects, others may shine in
arts
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such
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 as games, music, dance, and painting. I've personally witnessed numerous individuals who have found success in their artistic pursuits, often surpassing their academic achievements.
This
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 firsthand experience reinforces my belief in the importance of
arts
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education
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.
Education
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 has become a business, so most parents and educational institutes focus on the student's
marks
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 and rank rather than their actual ability. They believe that
marks
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 and ranks are only the primary requirements to get jobs and develop their careers. So,
instead
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 of identifying the pupils' strengths in different
arts
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, we are forcing them to get top
marks
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, among other things. Sadly,
this
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 type of environment is creating mental illness in
students
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 at a young age. Fortunately, there are schools that have recognized the value of a well-rounded
education
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 and have integrated
arts
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such
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 as painting, dance, music, and games into their curriculum.
This
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 approach not only enhances
students
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' interest in attending school but
also
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 provides a platform for them to develop their artistic skills. It's a testament to the positive impact of
arts
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education
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.Some children may be good at games
such
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 as Cricket and football, and they are becoming national and international champions.
Further
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, some children are well versed in dancing and singing and earn massive amounts compared to
education
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-based job holders. In conclusion, I would say that schools and parents should not prioritize
marks
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 or ranks alone. They should
also
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 understand the children's personal goals and support them in achieving them.
Submitted by sivareddymarella6 on

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task achievement
Your essay responds well to the task by presenting a clear opinion. However, to improve, consider including more systematic evidence and data to support your arguments. For instance, statistical evidence or specific studies showing the benefits of art education could make your essay more convincing.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a logical structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, it could be improved by refining transitions between points. Use signposting phrases like 'Firstly', 'Moreover', and 'In addition' to guide the reader through your arguments more smoothly.
coherence cohesion
While your ideas are generally clear, some sentences could be rephrased for better clarity. For example, 'It's a testament to the positive impact of arts education.Some children may be good at games such as Cricket and football, and they are becoming national and international champions.' This could be split into two sentences for better readability.
task achievement
You've done a good job integrating personal experiences and observations into your essay, which makes your argument more relatable and impactful.
coherence cohesion
Your essay concludes well by summarizing your stance and emphasizing what needs to change for a more holistic approach to education.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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