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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

In some parts of the world, many famous people are regarded as ‘role models’ and they are having an increasing influence on the young.

#parts #world #people #‘role #models’ #influence
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In contemporary society, there are just dozens of prominent
people
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 who are considered
role
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 models, and day by day, they are having a great influence on adolescents. Many young
people
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 are trying to copy their lives, so they just forget about themselves, but there are some really good
people
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 who can be real
role
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 models for youngsters.    Nowadays, many teenagers are socially addicted to
some
Correct quantifier usage
apply
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famous
people
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 via the
internet
Capitalize word
Internet
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.
Although
Linking Words
 they are copying their image of how they look and want to have the same profession, they think they will immediately become as famous as they are.
For example
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, famous
model
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 Kylie Jenner almost fully changed her face by doing plastic surgery, and she became the number one billionaire
model
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 in the world.
As a consequence
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, many youngsters are following her and want to become a
model
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 like her,they think it is really easy to become
such
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 a
model
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.   As Instagram gets more popular, there are so many bloggers who have useful content.
Furthermore
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, some
people
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 are inspired by them, and it is giving motivation to youngsters.
In addition
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, they are
also
Linking Words
 opening their own blogs and trying to create useful content.
For instance
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, a blogger named Andrew Hybermen is running a really beneficial blog about health and how to overcome some problems, and it is
also
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 known that there are so many teenagers who were inspired by him and opened their own blogs.
Thus
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, if a
role
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model
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 is someone who does beneficial things and recommends useful information, it is only for the better.   In conclusion, if a
role
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model
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 is someone who is useless and just beautiful or a billionaire, it is bad for teenagers to be inspired by them, but there are
also
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 some really famous
people
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 who deserve to be
a
Correct article usage
apply
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role
Use synonyms
Use synonyms
model
Fix the agreement mistake
models
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.
Submitted by makemoneyizzy16 on

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coherence cohesion
Your introduction sets the context but could be further refined to more clearly outline your stance and main points.
task achievement
Ensure that your main points are fully developed and expand on how these role models impact the youth in multiple dimensions.
coherence cohesion
Try to include more transitional phrases to enhance the flow between ideas and paragraphs.
task achievement
Good use of examples, such as Kylie Jenner and Andrew Hybermen, which add specificity and relevance.
coherence cohesion
You have a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
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