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Writing Samples
Band 7.5

In some cultures, children are often told that they can achieve anything if they try hard enough. What are the advantages and disadvantages of giving children this message?

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In a highly competitive environment, some societies encourage their younger people by saying you all can reach any goal if you focus on it continuously. The main benefit of these motivations is
children
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 are forced to achieve high goals. The main drawback is kids are forced to do
things
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 that are out of human control. One primary advantage of motivating teenagers is to achieve high goals. When kids are keen to discover new
things
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 and they want to invest in
things
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 that have not been found yet.
Further
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, they will not be discouraged when they lose on the first attempt.
For example
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, world-famous singer Taylor Swift’s first concert was not as successful as planned but she never gave up
thus
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 her parents encouraged her to perform more
hence
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 she has come a long way in her singing career.
Furthermore
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, by giving
such
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 pieces of advice to
children
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, they will feel that adults are always there for them.
On the other hand
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, the main disadvantages of aiming
children
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 are they tend to invest in
things
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 that are out of human control, illegal, and punishable
according to
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 the law, and that will make unnecessary competition among
children
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.
For Instance
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, the Grade 05 scholarship in Sri Lanka is considered
as
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apply
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the most competitive examination on the island because of the pressure that comes from parents
therefore
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 many
children
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 face anxiety and stress at a very young age. In conclusion, the main benefits of encouraging kids are they always aim to focus on high targets and to feel that the older generation is always with them whenever the situation is, and the key drawbacks are teenagers feel stressed and they are forced to do
things
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 that are not accepted by the law.

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coherence cohesion
Your essay has a well-defined introduction and conclusion, which is essential for a good score in this criterion. However, consider further developing your introduction to better capture the reader's interest and give a clearer overview of your main points.
coherence cohesion
To enhance the logical structure, try to make clearer transitions between your ideas. Using phrases like 'In addition,' 'Moreover,' or 'On the contrary' can help link your paragraphs more smoothly.
task achievement
Your main points are generally well-supported, but adding more relevant and varied examples would strengthen your arguments. For instance, consider including examples from different fields, like sports or academia, to illustrate your points.
task achievement
Some ideas could be expanded upon to be clearer and more comprehensive. For instance, clarify how achieving high goals can positively impact children's life skills or future opportunities.
task achievement
Your essay addresses the prompt thoroughly, and your response is detailed and generally well-organized.
coherence cohesion
You correctly included an introduction and a conclusion, both of which effectively summarize your points and wrap up the essay neatly.
task achievement
You provided a good example with Taylor Swift, which adds credibility to your argument and makes it more relatable.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • achieve
  • try hard
  • positive mindset
  • self-belief
  • motivates
  • ambitious goals
  • resilience
  • determination
  • confidence
  • self-esteem
  • growth mindset
  • unrealistic expectations
  • disappointment
  • failure
  • effort
  • hard work
  • seek support
  • individual differences
  • abilities
  • capabilities
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