IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Nowadays, more and more people decide to have children later in their life. What are the reasons? What are the negative impacts on society and family life?

#people #children #life #impacts #society
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
In recent years, the time when
people
Use synonyms
 have
children
Use synonyms
 has frequently become later, and there is a specific factor why they decide to do so.
Furthermore
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 movement gives society and family
life
Use synonyms
 disliked effects.
Firstly
Linking Words
, the main reason
people
Use synonyms
 try to have their
descendents
Correct your spelling
descendants
 later is that parents would like to educate their
children
Use synonyms
 when they acquire enough
finantial
Correct your spelling
financial
 resources. Since young
people
Use synonyms
 typically suffer from their salary or budgets, they have no afford to bring up their
children
Use synonyms
. As an illustration,
although
Linking Words
 the average salary of
young
Correct article usage
the young
show examples
 generation whose age is around 25 is less
Linking Words
then
Replace the word
than
show examples
 three million yen per year in Japan, the annual fee in a private elementary school is over two million yen. If parents around
this
Linking Words
 age spend their incomes to let their kids
enroll
Change the spelling
enrol
show examples
these
Change preposition
on these
show examples
 schools, they can technically use only one million yen for others.
Thus
Linking Words
, money capability is the most massive reason
this
Linking Words
 movement is
happened
Wrong verb form
happening
show examples
.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, it has a crucial downside for family
life
Use synonyms
, including the lack of energy to
upbring
Correct your spelling
bring
 a child. It is no doubt that younger
people
Use synonyms
 are more energetic than elderly individuals, which means that it might be difficult to bring up a child when
people
Use synonyms
 get old since upbringing
children
Use synonyms
needs
Change the verb form
need
show examples
 countless energies.
For instance
Linking Words
, playing sports outside is one of the most preferable things for kids,
thus
Linking Words
 parents
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 typically required to do
this
Linking Words
 with them.
Therefore
Linking Words
, it is too hard to follow
children
Use synonyms
’s
activity
Fix the agreement mistake
activities
show examples
 if they get older, and their
children
Use synonyms
 would
have
Verb problem
be
show examples
uncomfortability
Correct your spelling
uncomfortable
 with
this
Linking Words
happen
Wrong verb form
happening
show examples
. In conclusion, there
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 one particular reason why
people
Use synonyms
 nowadays choose to have kids in later
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
their
life
Use synonyms
,
moreover
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 movement has disadvantages
especially
Add the comma(s)
, especially
show examples
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 family
life
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by ryoga17.0325 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
To improve your essay, consider making your points more precise and ensure that your arguments fully respond to the prompts. For example, you could discuss more reasons why people choose to have children later in life and explore other negative impacts on society besides family life.
coherence cohesion
Work on ensuring grammatical accuracy and lexical resource. A few phrases sounded awkward or confusing, such as 'finantial resources' instead of 'financial resources' and 'lack of energy to upbring a child' instead of 'lack of energy to raise a child'.
coherence cohesion
A few ideas and examples would benefit from clearer and better-organized explanation. Avoid making generalizations that are too broad; try to include more specific points and use clearly structured paragraphs.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are both present and outline the main points clearly. This sets a clear structure for the essay.
task achievement
The essay uses a relevant example related to the cost of education in Japan, which adds strength to the argument about the financial burden.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: