IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Music play an important role in society, others think it is simply a form of entertainment for individuals. Discuss both views and give your opinion

While
Linking Words
 it
is widely claim
Change the verb form
is widely claimed
show examples
 that
music
Use synonyms
 plays
crucial
Add an article
a crucial
show examples
 role in society, others argue that it
just
Add a missing verb
is just
show examples
 a simple form of personal entertainment. Both
point
Fix the agreement mistake
points
show examples
 of
views
Fix the agreement mistake
view
show examples
 and reasons why I agree with the former statement will be elaborated on in
this
Linking Words
 essay.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, it may seem sensible for some to believe that
music
Use synonyms
is
Verb problem
has
show examples
 long known to be
individual's
Correct article usage
an individual's
show examples
 amusement.
This
Linking Words
 is
possibly
Replace the adverb
possible
show examples
 because they subjectively view
as
Correct pronoun usage
it as
show examples
 a means of joy rather than a possible indirect effect of it.
For instance
Linking Words
,
music
Use synonyms
 often sees
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
enthusiastic ways of vibing depending on
preference
Add an article
the preference
show examples
 of genre of
music
Use synonyms
.
Therefore
Linking Words
, many
opponent
Change to a plural noun
opponents
show examples
 of
this
Linking Words
 idea might oppose that
music
Use synonyms
 has already
embbed
Correct your spelling
embed
 in our culture and cultivated
the
Change the word
our
show examples
 ways of living. In
this
Linking Words
 respect, there is
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
evident show
Replace the word
evidence showing
show examples
 that since
ancient
Correct article usage
the ancient
show examples
 period,
music
Use synonyms
were
Change the verb form
was
show examples
 used
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 several occasions both happy and sorrowful events.
However
Linking Words
, I personally argue in favour of its
significants
Correct your spelling
significance
show examples
toward
Change preposition
in
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society seeing that
its
Correct pronoun usage
it
show examples
benefit
Correct subject-verb agreement
benefits
show examples
 us unknowingly in numerous
aspect
Fix the agreement mistake
aspects
show examples
. To simply explain,
music
Use synonyms
do
Change the verb form
does
show examples
 impact development in several fields
such
Linking Words
 as
medicines
Fix the agreement mistake
medicine
show examples
 or sciences. Take remedy with melody,
for example
Linking Words
; numerous research found that the use of
music
Use synonyms
 and
relation
Correct pronoun usage
its relation
show examples
with
Change preposition
to
show examples
 the healing process of the patient in the hospital show
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
promising progress when comparing
between
Change preposition
apply
show examples
two different groups of
patient
Fix the agreement mistake
patients
show examples
 that
expose
Wrong verb form
exposed
show examples
 to
music
Use synonyms
 and those who
does
Verb problem
are
show examples
 not. The patients said
by
Change preposition
that
show examples
 listening to
music
Use synonyms
while
Linking Words
 admitted
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
 the hospital
promote
Correct subject-verb agreement
promotes
show examples
 a lively environment rather than silence.
This
Linking Words
 could lead to
enhance
Wrong verb form
enhancing
show examples
 the development of treatment in
medical
Correct article usage
the medical
show examples
 care field aiming for higher quality
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
services. In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 it is undeniable that
music
Use synonyms
 could consider
as
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a personal
joyment
Correct your spelling
enjoyment
 I am of the
opnion
Correct your spelling
opinion
 that its beneficial effects should not be neglected in order to create a better world.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Your essay effectively addresses both views on the topic. However, your arguments could be more developed and clearly structured. Try to elaborate more on why music is a form of personal entertainment by giving more specific examples or citing studies.
coherence cohesion
Your ideas are clear, but the essay can benefit from a clearer organization and transition between paragraphs. Use linking words and phrases to make your essay more cohesive, and ensure each paragraph flows logically from one to the next.
coherence cohesion
Watch out for grammatical errors and awkward phrasing. Proofread your essay carefully to minimize mistakes and enhance clarity. For instance, 'its significants toward the society' should be 'its significance to society.'
coherence cohesion
You have included an introduction and a conclusion, which frames your essay well.
task achievement
You provided a relevant example about music and its impact on healing in medical fields, which strengthens your argument.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • cultural tool
  • shared identity
  • cognitive development
  • creativity
  • mental health
  • music therapy
  • chronic pain
  • entertainment value
  • personal escape
  • cultural background
What to do next:
Look at other essays: