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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Nowadays, more and more jobs and tasks are done by machines which involve hard physical work. Do the effects of this trend outweigh the negative effects?

#jobs #tasks #machines #work #effects #trend
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Recently,
due to
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 the development of technology,
machines
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 have been used to replace
people
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's hard
work
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. Some
people
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 may have claimed that
this
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 has a negative effect on society by depriving individuals of
tasks
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.
This
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 is true;
however
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, I
also
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 believe that those
machines
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 allow
people
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 to
work
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 efficiently, leading to positive effects.
Firstly
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, the productivity of hard
work
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 has been improved by using automated
machines
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. In the past,
people
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 used to struggle with hard
work
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 in factories or farms until late at night.
Hence
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, we had some
people
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 who were dying of excessive workloads.
However
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, thanks to the advancement of technology,
machines
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 seem effective at addressing works that demand physical hardships, contributing to doing them quickly and accurately.
For example
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,
while
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 farmers in the past, harvesting crops took more than two months, which was physically challenging, nowadays farmers have shown their satisfaction with using
machines
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, which take less than a week to harvest these days, eventually enhancing their profits.
Consequently
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, I believe using
machines
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 to replace
tasks
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 seems more beneficial than other concerns.
In contrast
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,
people
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's
works
Fix the agreement mistake
work
show examples
 can be deprived of by using automated
machines
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, which has been detrimental to our society. The most harmful disadvantage of
this
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 issue is that errors of
machines
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 can lead to a vast amount of loss. If they are stuck in an error
while
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 working,
for instance
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,
people
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 are unable to restart their
tasks
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 before repairing, thereby fostering confusion and delaying
tasks
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. Another concern is that, undeniably, there is a growing number of
people
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 who are unemployed. By alternating
people
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 to
machines
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, especially
people
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 in disadvantaged areas working in factories will lose their jobs, deteriorating satisfaction and societal well-being. For these reasons, I am concerned about replacing
people
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 with devices. In conclusion,
although
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 technological devices can negatively influence
on
Correct your spelling
an
show examples
 individual's
tasks
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,
however
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, I believe those
machines
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 seem effective at enhancing both productivity and convenience. I think we should figure out a way how to balance between the use of
machines
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 and their drawbacks.
Submitted by kchengii on

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Coherence & Cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence to enhance coherence and guide the reader through your argument. This will contribute to a logical flow of ideas and improve the overall coherence of your essay.
Grammar
Avoid minor grammatical errors, particularly with tense and article usage, to enhance clarity and precision. This will help ensure your ideas are communicated effectively.
Task Response
While your examples are good, linking them back to the main argument explicitly can make your points even stronger and more persuasive.
Task Response
Your essay provides relevant and specific examples to support your arguments, particularly in showing the benefits of automated machines in agriculture. This shows a deep understanding of the topic and enhances your task achievement.
Coherence & Cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which frame your points well and make your position clear. This contributes positively to the overall structure and coherence of your essay.
Task Response
You have addressed both sides of the argument, which shows an ability to consider and evaluate different perspectives. This balanced approach enriches your task response and demonstrates critical thinking.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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