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Writing Samples
Band 7

Some people think that parents should teach children how to be good members of society. Others, however, believe that school is the place to learn this. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

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the way through which youngsters learn the practices of an efficient society member is quite debatable.
while
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 some believe that
children
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's initial home is the environment
they
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where they
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 can cultivate their respective
skills
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, Others and I subscribe to the fact that educational organizations are the best place for
this
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 purpose.
to begin
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 with, schools are mainly backed with science-based approaches and incorporate sophisticated teachers.
such
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 professionals utilize customized measures to cultivate respective
skills
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 in students and their science-based nature them hinders including conventional thinking and ?????,
therefore
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; students would have the opportunity to learn the needed
skills
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 without any bias towards a specific gender or race.
for instance
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, with students learning the most efficient ways of communication that have shown impeccable results in forging relationships, they are saving themselves an enormous amount of time and energy.
furthermore
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, educational institutes offer pupils a majority of practical experiments which instil valuable and real-world insights into social interactions in
children
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. importantly, engaging in these experiments simulates the outside world and
thus
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, prepares them more for unforeseen events.
moreover
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, the illustrated knowledge they foster through these experiments teaches them valuable lessons,
such
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 as municipal rules and respecting others' rights. take teamwork courses as an example, they depict the outside world for
children
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 in smaller concepts, leading to a better comprehension of society and learning suitable practices.
on the other hand
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, some may claim that
parents
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 are the initial role models for
children
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. they believe that it is most beneficial that
children
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 acquire
such
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skills
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 through their
parents
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 since they know their kids the best,
coupled with
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 that youngsters adhere to their
parents
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 more than their teacher.
although
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 there is some accuracy to
this
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 notion, they are overlooking the detrimental effect of
parents
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' traditional way of thinking especially in families with great generation gaps. To illustrate,
parents
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 know several ways they can be beneficial to the community.
however
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, their approach may be exclusive to themselves and to their own generation, making it hard for kids to implement them.
to conclude
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,
although
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children
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 may obey their
parents
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 the most, I believe that it is imperative to focus on the accuracy of the subject being taught.
however
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, striking a balance between these two sources serves
children
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 in the best way.

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task response
Your essay contains a good response to the task and covers both perspectives well. To improve, ensure each paragraph communicates its main idea clearly and concisely.
coherence cohesion
Work on using a wider range of linking phrases to create smoother transitions between sentences and paragraphs. Also, keep the use of specific examples consistent throughout the essay.
task response
You have presented creative and clear ideas throughout the essay, which helps in engaging the reader and making your arguments strong.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a logical structure with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion, which makes it easy to follow.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • good members of society
  • teach
  • parents
  • schools
  • responsibility
  • values
  • respect
  • empathy
  • responsibility
  • formal education
  • citizenship
  • ethics
  • social responsibility
  • lead by example
  • role models
  • conducive environment
  • extracurricular activities
  • community involvement
  • collaborate
  • holistic approach
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