IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

An average British child watches television for more than 20 hours in a week and indulge in 7 hours of physical activity. What is the situation in your country and what are the causes of it? What are the solution to overcome the same?

#british #child #watches #television #hours #week #activity #situation #country
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These days, technology has been developing really soon, but we do not know how we must use it with less damage;
as a result
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, we can see
children
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 all over the world who have less
activity
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time
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, but spend a
lot
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 of
time
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 on
TV
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.
For example
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, a British child watches television approximately 20 hours a week and indulges in 7 hours of physical
activity
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. In
this
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 essay, we will discuss the main problems associated with
this
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 epidemic and propose some possible solutions to avoid them. Unfortunately, spending a
lot
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 of
time
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 watching
TV
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 is really popular among kids, and in my country
children
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 spend nearly 24 hours a week another issue has some reasons namely,
parents
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 do not spend
time
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 with
children
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;
moreover
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,
children
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 choose comfortable ways for free
time
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.
Firstly
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, currently, most of the
parents
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 work outside, and they do not have a
lot
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 of
time
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 for
children
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's activities
such
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 as going park, walking, sailing, and other activities.
Also
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, their preferences are
children
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 without
activity
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, for they are really tired.
Secondly
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, kids like other people prefer to spend leisure
time
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 with less
activity
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;
hence
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,
TV
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 programs are the best selection for
children
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instead
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 of exercise which needs a
lot
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 of energy. For
this
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 matter schools should change these ways of life.
In addition
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, governments ought to increase
parents
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’ income and get them more spare
time
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.
Initially
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, when teachers in school get students' plans for the
time
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 after institute their
parents
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 must check these things;
furthermore
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, when students do the schedule win a prize;
then
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 after many
time
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children
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 spend less
time
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 on
TV
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.
Second,
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if a family have not only enough money but
also
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 a
lot
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 of free
time
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 for their
children
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;
therefore
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, they spend a
lot
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 of
time
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 controlling their
children
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's activities. In conclusion,
this
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 question is a result of
parents
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' behaviour and surroundings, yet when teachers teach a good lifestyle in school and
parents
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 take care of
children
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 we can alter
this
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 position to a nice situation.
Submitted by maryamkazemi968 on

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task response
Overall, the introduction successfully outlines the topic and the aim of the essay. However, it could be made clearer and more concise to engage the reader more effectively.
coherence and cohesion
Try to divide the essay into paragraphs for each point discussed. This will improve readability and coherence.
task response
There are some grammatical errors and awkward phrases. A thorough proofread would help eliminate these mistakes and make the essay more fluent.
task response
Provide more specific data or studies to support your claims. This will make your arguments more convincing.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are very long and complex, making them harder to follow. Consider breaking them into shorter, clearer sentences.
task response
The essay addresses the task fully by discussing both the situation in the writer's country and providing solutions.
coherence and cohesion
The conclusion nicely ties up the arguments presented in the essay.
coherence and cohesion
The use of transitions like 'Firstly' and 'Secondly' helps to organize points in a coherent manner.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • screen time
  • physical activity
  • proliferation
  • digital devices
  • social media influence
  • indoor entertainment
  • educational pressures
  • safety concerns
  • structured physical education
  • community safety
  • government initiatives
  • sports infrastructure
  • community events
  • overall well-being
  • balance
What to do next:
Look at other essays: