An average British child watches television for more than 20 hours in a week and indulge in 7 hours of physical activity. What is the situation in your country and what are the causes of it? What are the solution to overcome the same?
These days, technology has been developing really soon, but we do not know how we must use it with less damage;
as a result
, we can see children
all over the world who have less activity
time
, but spend a lot
of time
on TV
. For example
, a British child watches television approximately 20 hours a week and indulges in 7 hours of physical activity
. In this
essay, we will discuss the main problems associated with this
epidemic and propose some possible solutions to avoid them.
Unfortunately, spending a lot
of time
watching TV
is really popular among kids, and in my country children
spend nearly 24 hours a week another issue has some reasons namely, parents
do not spend time
with children
; moreover
, children
choose comfortable ways for free time
. Firstly
, currently, most of the parents
work outside, and they do not have a lot
of time
for children
's activities such
as going park, walking, sailing, and other activities. Also
, their preferences are children
without activity
, for they are really tired. Secondly
, kids like other people prefer to spend leisure time
with less activity
; hence
, TV
programs are the best selection for children
instead
of exercise which needs a lot
of energy.
For this
matter schools should change these ways of life. In addition
, governments ought to increase parents
’ income and get them more spare time
. Initially
, when teachers in school get students' plans for the time
after institute their parents
must check these things; furthermore
, when students do the schedule win a prize; then
after many time
children
spend less time
on TV
. Second,
if a family have not only enough money but also
a lot
of free time
for their children
; therefore
, they spend a lot
of time
controlling their children
's activities.
In conclusion, this
question is a result of parents
' behaviour and surroundings, yet when teachers teach a good lifestyle in school and parents
take care of children
we can alter this
position to a nice situation.Submitted by maryamkazemi968 on
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task response
Overall, the introduction successfully outlines the topic and the aim of the essay. However, it could be made clearer and more concise to engage the reader more effectively.
coherence and cohesion
Try to divide the essay into paragraphs for each point discussed. This will improve readability and coherence.
task response
There are some grammatical errors and awkward phrases. A thorough proofread would help eliminate these mistakes and make the essay more fluent.
task response
Provide more specific data or studies to support your claims. This will make your arguments more convincing.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are very long and complex, making them harder to follow. Consider breaking them into shorter, clearer sentences.
task response
The essay addresses the task fully by discussing both the situation in the writer's country and providing solutions.
coherence and cohesion
The conclusion nicely ties up the arguments presented in the essay.
coherence and cohesion
The use of transitions like 'Firstly' and 'Secondly' helps to organize points in a coherent manner.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.
Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.
When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.
Linking words for giving examples:
- for example
- for instance
- to illustrate this
- to give a clear example
- such as
- namely
- to illustrate
- take, for example
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