IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6

Do you think that an aging society will disappear? What are the advantages and disadvantages of having more old people in society?

#society #people
Nowadays, the matter of whether or not the
aging
Change the spelling
ageing
show examples
society
 will disappear in the future remains quite relevant.
Although
 the
aging
Change the spelling
ageing
show examples
society
 is a persistent phenomenon
nonetheless
, old
people
 could contribute to developing the community and
share
Wrong verb form
sharing
show examples
 their experiences.
However
, having more senior citizens in modern
society
 could lead to impede the
country
's
advancement
. In
this
 essay, I will answer the questions
as well as
 write about the pros and cons of
this
 topic. One of the main advantages is the opportunity for old
people
 to contribute to developing the community
for example
 working in public education and they can share some of their experience and wisdom some studies say that most
people
 prefer to take advice and experience from older
people
.
consequently
, having old
people
 in modern
society
 has a lot of benefits.
On the other hand
, one of the main disadvantages of having more old
people
 in
society
 is impedes the
country
's
advancement
such
 as a decrease in the number of employment in the
country
In addition
 it often happens that young
people
 have to spend less time at work to care for their older and that
also
 will impedes the
country
advancement
.
consequently
, having more old
people
 in the
country
 will cause a lot of problems. Ultimately, the presence of the elderly is beneficial a lot but if the number of old
people
 increases will impede the
country
's
advancement
 from my perspective there must be a balance in the population, and most of them must not be old
people
.
Submitted by reemaljuaidi8 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Your essay addresses both questions but could benefit from providing more specific examples. Instead of general statements, use real-life instances or statistics to make your points more convincing.
coherence cohesion
Work on varying your vocabulary and sentence structure to make your writing more engaging. Additionally, pay attention to grammar and punctuation to improve clarity and fluency.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that your essay has a seamless flow of ideas. Use linking words and phrases to connect paragraphs and sentences more effectively. Also, make sure each paragraph has a clear central idea that's well-developed.
introduction
Your introduction clearly sets up the topic and previews the main points of your essay, which makes it easy to follow.
logical structure
You have a logical structure in your essay with distinct paragraphs dedicated to the advantages and disadvantages of an aging society.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
Topic Vocabulary:
  • ageing society
  • healthcare and pension systems
  • elderly individuals
  • financial support
  • wisdom and experience
  • guidance
  • economic opportunities and innovation
  • strain on healthcare systems
  • medical services
  • associated costs
  • shrinking workforce
  • economic challenges
  • social services and infrastructure
  • financial investment
What to do next:
Look at other essays: