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Writing Samples /
Band 6

The willingness to take risks is the only way one can succeed in life, both personally and professionally. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#willingness #risks #life
In the present age, whether putting
one‘s
 effort
in
Change preposition
into
show examples
 realizing long-cherished wishes is wiser than ignoring them and choosing
more
Correct article usage
a more
show examples
 secure path has sparked much debate. Some assert that a dream come true will definitely bring you a sense of happiness
whereas
other
Fix the agreement mistake
others
show examples
 claim the defeat might result in mental and occupational collapse. In my opinion, despite all the difficulties, the acceptance of the risk and working
for
Change preposition
toward
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 the goal is of value.
Firstly
, following the dream, no matter how risky it appears in the first place, will make you live a fully-fledged life. Broadly speaking, the majority tend not to leave their comfort zone and opt for a safer option which may result in regrets for missing the opportunities.
Thus
, going for
one‘s
 professional vision is worthwhile as the achievements might give you a sense of fulfilment in
a
Change the word
your
show examples
 personal life.
For instance
, Walt Disney known as the high-flying founder of Walt Disney Pictures gave his vision a try and made the impossible possible by producing animation films which spread all over the world.
On the other hand
, the willingness to take risks may end up unsuccessfully. More specifically, if you run the risk of pursuing
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 goal which is deeply desired, the consequences can be quite dramatic like failure in the career, loss of self-confidence or deprivation, to name but a few.
For instance
, Lithuanian writer Jonas Biliūnas wanted to become a professional artist,
however
, poverty was his problem that needed to be tackled.
Therefore
, challenges occurring
while
 working towards the purpose are not always possible to get through.
To sum up
, not everyone is determined and brave enough to attempt to achieve
one‘s
 ambitions as
the
Correct article usage
apply
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unsuccess might be devastating.
Although
 many obstacles have to be overcome, I believe chasing
one‘s
 dream regarding realization in the professional path is the key to joyfulness.
Submitted by oimigle on

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coherence cohesion
The introduction is well-written, providing a clear position on the topic. Ensure that each paragraph distinctly develops and supports a single main idea.
coherence cohesion
Maintain clarity by connecting your ideas more seamlessly. Sometimes ideas can feel a bit disjointed.
task achievement
While providing examples is good, ensure they are detailed and directly relevant to the point being made.
task achievement
Consider your audience more directly and perhaps address some counter-arguments to strengthen your position.
coherence cohesion
A clear position is presented in the introduction, and there is a good conclusion summarizing the main points.
task achievement
The essay effectively uses examples like Walt Disney and Jonas Biliūnas to support points.
task achievement
The language used is generally appropriate and maintains a formal tone fitting for an IELTS essay.
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