IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7

When new towns are planned, it is important to build more public parks or sports facilities than shopping centers for people to spend their free time. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#towns #parks #sports #facilities #centers #people #time
It is argued that establishing more national
parks
 and physical
centres
 in new cities is more important than building shopping malls. I totally agree that having
parks
 and
sports
 facilities is vital for children, elders, and young
people
 to help them develop their personalities and increase public
health
.
Parks
 are essential to serving youngsters and aged
people
 in local communities. First and foremost, children need to spend their leisure
time
 in an open area, which helps them to develop their personalities. When kids spend
time
 playing and participating in outdoor activities that will definitely help them to acquire positive habits
such
 as teamwork and self-confidence.
Instead
 of spending hours playing video games on the computer.
Moreover
, elders need to practice light
sports
 like walking and cycling to keep their bodies in good condition. So, having
parks
 will serve to achieve
this
 goal, and help increase public
health
.
For example
, there are many gardens in Oman with different activities for all ages, and
people
 spend the majority of their
time
 practising their hobbies, because of that
people
 in Oman have lower rates of physical problems.
In addition
,
Sports
 facilities are proving to have a positive influence on younger generations. Young
people
 usually spend their leisure on electronic devices and the Internet, yet building more
sports
 places would encourage them to exercise more.
Thus
, youth benefit from these facilities and improve their general fitness.
Furthermore
, it helps them maintain good mental
health
 as they exercise physical activities on a daily basis.
In addition
, spending free
time
 with friends in
sports
centres
 ensures that they will be away from street problems if they have no place to go. Studies have proven that sport helps increase young
people
's mental and physical
health
.
However
, building shopping malls is still important to elevate the local economy.
To conclude
, despite the importance of having shopping
centres
 for the economy, I believe that establishing more
parks
 and
sports
centres
 is crucial for children to acquire good habits and maintain public well-being for the elderly and younger population.
Submitted by nidaa_hamed on

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task achievement
Try to provide more specific examples to illustrate your points. This will make your argument stronger and more convincing.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next. Although your structure is logical, adding transitional phrases can enhance the coherence of your essay.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear and concise introduction and conclusion, which frame the argument effectively.
task achievement
You have addressed all parts of the prompt and provided a balanced argument, which shows a thorough understanding of the task.
task achievement
Your ideas are clear and well-explained, making it easy to follow your argument.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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