IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

In spite of many advance women have made in education and employement they will be disadvantage when it came to pay and promotion. What is the main causes and give a solution.

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Although
Linking Words
 many women have exposure knowledge from school and are employed by the company, there will be inequality when talking about salary and achieving higher positions at
work
Use synonyms
. The reasons for
this
Linking Words
 problem are working productivity and the birth and care period in their life, but it can be solved by the government action toward some companies. The principal cause of
this
Linking Words
 discrimination is their physical strength. It must be recognized that a woman does not have a muscular body and physical ability like a man leading to a decrease in working time for resting which can make the efficiency and profit of companies not higher.
This
Linking Words
 is true in many Asian countries like Vietnam and China, where they believe that women are just suitable for some easy job
due to
Linking Words
 their lack of strength,
as a result
Linking Words
, they can not
work
Use synonyms
as well as
Linking Words
 the male in
labor
Change the spelling
labour
show examples
 pains. Another factor for
this
Linking Words
 problem is that they can not keep up with other partners as the time spent in the breeding and nursing phase. To explain
further
Linking Words
, every day there will be more and more knowledge that needs learning from the employer.
For
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
 reason, people who have too many days off can be out of progress and hard to follow with other workers.
As a result
Linking Words
, they will be fired from the boss and just be at home spending time with their children.
However
Linking Words
, the solution can be found in government policy in the company. The most effective approach is for managers to sign a legal contract forcing them to have equality at
work
Use synonyms
, especially with female workers. Not only that, authorities should open the headquarters which can receive reports from women having been treated unfairly and give some policies for investigating. If they break
this
Linking Words
 contract, the boss either gets a fine or worst case, a criminal record.
To conclude
Linking Words
, the wage gap and discrimination happened at
work
Use synonyms
due to
Linking Words
 the productivity and failure to keep up with the new knowledge because of the day off but can be solved by cooperation between workers and the government.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Your essay covers the main causes and proposes a solution, which is good. However, it lacks depth in explaining the reasons and could use more specific examples and statistical evidence to strengthen your points.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure is fairly clear, but some points could be more sequentially arranged. For example, starting with an overview of the inequalities before diving into specific causes might help. Try to maintain a clearer flow between paragraphs.
language
There are a few grammar and word choice issues that need attention. Phrases like 'breeding and nursing phase' should be rephrased to sound more professional, such as 'maternity and childcare period.'
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are clear and present, providing a good framework for your essay.
task achievement
The essay addresses the task with a complete response, suggesting causes and solutions clearly.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: