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Writing Samples
Band 6

many chilren are encouraged by their parent to get a part time job. what are the advantages and disadvantages to children doing so?

#chilren #parent #part #time #job #children
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In a highly competitive era, most parents motivate their
kids
Use synonyms
 to work in a part-time job.
While
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 it is undeniable that having an occupancy can bring numerous benefits, it is equally important to evaluate the potential drawbacks. In
this
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 essay, its advantages and disadvantages will be examined. Working in a
business
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 prepares a child for his/her corporate life after university graduation. It gives the necessary
business
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 skills to the kid, even if the position does not require any technical knowledge.
For example
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, an intern who worked at a shop during his/her childhood adapts swiftly to the workplace.
Additionally
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, children are taught the
business
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 ethics. When they grow up and become a professional employee, they know which
behaviors
Change the spelling
behaviours
show examples
 they must avoid,
consequently
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, they are appreciated by colleagues and get promotions faster compared to others.
On the other hand
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, motivating children to be part-time workers has several disadvantageous consequences on both the physical and the mental development of
kids
Use synonyms
. Some jobs might require intense physical efforts,
such
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 as food delivery, which leads youngsters to be exhausted.
Therefore
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,
for instance
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,
kids
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 fall asleep when they do their homework.
In addition
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, teenagers want to socialize and explore new experiences,
however
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, working temporarily stands as an obstacle in front of these. Adults who worked in their teenage years want to go back to the past and catch what they missed out
.
Change preposition
on.
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 From my perspective, it is essential to strike a balance between the benefits and the drawbacks of child employment in part-time jobs.
While
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 it contributes to
youngs
Correct your spelling
young
show examples
 people’s
business
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 abilities, it
also
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 can harmfully influence
kids
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 not only mentally but
also
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 physically. Parents should consider carefully and make the best decision for their children.
Submitted by smd1212 on

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coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, ensure that each paragraph starts with a clear topic sentence that directly relates to the main question.
task achievement
While your main points are well-stated, providing more varied and specific examples can strengthen your arguments and make your points clearer.
task achievement
Try to maintain an even balance of sentences discussing both advantages and disadvantages, as this will present a more balanced discussion and fulfill task requirements more effectively.
coherence cohesion
Make use of transitions and linking words to connect ideas within and between paragraphs more smoothly. This can enhance the overall flow of your essay.
coherence cohesion
You have provided a strong introduction and conclusion, clearly addressing the topic and summarizing your main points effectively.
task achievement
The ideas presented are clear and relevant, showing a good understanding of both advantages and disadvantages of part-time jobs for children.
coherence cohesion
Your language usage is generally accurate and appropriate for the task, which contributes positively to your overall coherence and cohesion.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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