parents of obese children should be punished for making them fat ? dDo you agree or disagree?
It is
agrued
that Correct your spelling
argued
agreed
mother
and Fix the agreement mistake
mothers
father
of overweight kids should be penalized Fix the agreement mistake
fathers
due to
supporting them to be fat. This
essay disagrees with this
statement because obesity can be caused by genetics and children
usually eat unhealthy food outside of the home.
Firstly
, one of the reason
Change to a plural noun
reasons
children
become obese is genetics. Actually
kids receive the genes from Add a comma
Actually,
older
generation of their family. Add an article
the older
an older
Therefore
, if someone has a slow metabolism, they are naturally inclined to gain more fat. For instance
, a recent study found that 30 % of the children
in North America suffer from morbid obesity due to
genetic disorders.
Secondly
, adults are not with their kids all day. When children
are at school they eat snacks and adults have no control over their dietary intake during this
time. A child could consume the majority of their calories during this
unsupervised periods without their parents and much of Correct determiner usage
these
this
eat
junk food in Wrong verb form
eating
this
moment. For example
, recent research concluded that more than 70% of middle school students prefer Correct article usage
a humburger
humburger
or Correct your spelling
hamburger
hamburgers
hotdog
as Fix the agreement mistake
hotdogs
a
lunch in the school cafeterias.
In conclusion, parents should not be sanctioned if their sons Correct article usage
apply
of
daughters are too heavy because they are unable to supervise their diet during the day and genes play a main role in the weight of a human being.Correct your spelling
or
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grammar
Ensure to proofread your essay for minor spelling and grammatical errors. For instance, 'agrued' should be 'argued' and 'adults are not with their kids all day' should have only one space between 'adults' and 'are'.
development
Try to develop more comprehensive arguments and provide more specific details to support your main points. For example, mention specific actions parents can take to control their children's diet even when they are not with them.
coherence
Enhance the logical flow by using more transition words and phrases. This will help connect your ideas more smoothly. For instance, use phrases like 'In addition', 'Furthermore', or 'On the other hand' to introduce new points.
structure
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps in maintaining a coherent structure.
examples
You provided relevant examples to support your points, such as mentioning the study about genetic disorders and the research on schoolchildren's eating habits.
clarity
Your ideas are clear and easy to understand, contributing to a well-rounded argument against penalizing parents for their children's obesity.
Your opinion
Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.
If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.
Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.
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...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?